Honest Thoughts on Transable-Ism

            In this blog I’d like to share some very candid thoughts, on the reality of the Transabled movement. The reason that I’ve chosen to use the wording of movement, is simply because this isn’t a new issue so to speak. Yet in has been gaining much more traction in recent years. I’m also profoundly aware, that my thoughts might very well offend some, however in as much as my aim is to live at peace with others (both online and in real life) sometimes truth, for the simple nature of what it is, offends and cuts beyond the human flesh and understanding.

The reality of being transabled falls under what is called Body integrity identity disorder (BIID).  This disorder is when a person has the desire to have their body medically changed into a physical impairment of some kind, whether that be visually impaired, amputee and even paraplegic.

In college this was a topic that I spend numerous hours, writing a term paper on. Somethings that caught my attention in a shocking manner, were people wanting to become blind and to accomplish such a task. It involved having acid poured into their eyes. I’ve known visually impaired people through out my life, and sometimes their desire to want be able to see is great.

In a sense they would do anything to see, even if it were a mere moment, they would never think of having acid poured into their eyes, my girlfriend has CRPS, due to a horse stepping on her foot and breaking all the bones in her foot, as a result she had to get her right foot removed. Her condition is not visible to the human, but what most people don’t know the amount of pain that she is in every day. Again, most everyday she wishes that she could get some sort of relief if for a moment. She wouldn’t wish what she must go through on anyone.  I myself have lived with cerebral palsy for thirty-eight years, have had a handful of major operations on my back and lower body. The thoughts that flow through my mind the most, are wishing that my right-hand full use, and that my legs were able to do things that most of us take for granted every single day.  

            While the reality of mental health issues is very real, this in my opinion is much deeper than the mind. It is a profoundly spiritual one as well. This is a battle between good and evil, these people that want to have their bodies willfully changed to live as someone with a disability, are still people made in the holy and beautiful image of God. On the other hand, because we live in a fallen and broken world, the mirror that we as humans have, reflecting the image of God is broken. As such, the enemy, Satan attacks people in the best place that he can overtake them, that being the mind. As a Christian, is it is of great importance to pray for these people and pray for them.

It is of equal importance then, to confront the lies of the enemy with truth and love. And the truth is that, as a society we are being deceived and lied to. The Bible tells us that we are not our own (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Our bodies are gifts of God and as such we should honor our bodies by taking care of them and not destroying them. I can assure you that it is not in the heart of Father God to have people doing these things to themselves, yet because many of choose not to listen or adhere to Gods voice and word sin and brokenness play out.  What causes my heart even more grief, not to mention how much it grieves and angers the heart of God as well, is the mere fact that medical professionals (doctors) are allowing such atrocity to take place in their own practices.

            It’s as though the reality of doing no harm, means nothing to them anymore to them anymore. Unless it puts a percentage of money in their pockets, which they should be filled with shame for. Licensed mental health professionals, should be doing whatever they can to steer their patients away from the idea of radically changing their bodies in such a great way. One that will change their lives forever, without being able to truly weigh and not the consequences that can follow such a decision. This may seem strong, but medical and mental health professionals who give a green light for people, to go through with such a desire should not be allowed to practice any longer.

Once again, it may seem harsh that my conviction is to strip medical professionals of their ability to practice, who do great harm to others in this way, by virtue of pandering to one’s desires. The questions that we must ask ourselves as a society, is how far we are willing to let this slippery slope go? How much more will we allow people to willfully destroy their bodies before we wake up from our sleep and say enough is enough?  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m tired of seeing society progress more and more into emptiness.

            It’s time that we as people, start pushing back against these norms, rather than allowing people to go down such routes. They must know that there made in the image of God, they must know that there is purpose in the bodies that God has originally blessed them with. They must know that there is a spiritual war that is taken place for the mind and soul, they must know that nothing else can satisfy them, the way the presence of God can.      

Have You Considered Berberine?

If anyone knows anything about me, from reading any of my blog entries regarding health, then you might notice that I’m not the biggest advocate for prescription medicine. At least right away. In a sense, my eyes have been opened to have been opened to how broken the medical industry is. In no way is this meant as a jab at medical professionals in any regard. There simply comes a point in time in which one begins to question the practices that are conducted everyday, and begins to champion their own health journey and experience.

Living a healthy life style has been a passion of my mine, even a calling if you will. The biggest motivation for me is being able to combat the health issues that make up some of my own family history. Much of that is metabolic in nature. If you’re not sure what that is, it roughly has to do with the following:

Diabetes (or pre)

High Triglycerides

High Blood Pressure

Depression and Anxiety- which I do believe can be linked to metabolic dysfunction as well.

Through out my life I’ve been on meds for each of this conditions, and at the moment i’m on a very low dose anxiety med that I’m honestly not sure works anymore. Each med has their fair share of disturbing side effects. Which is what has driven me to look for more simple, natural ways without all the damaging side effects.

This is where the natural supplement of Berberine enters the picture: Berberine is an alkaloid that is found in many different plants and is believed to be used in Chinese medicine for over three thousand years. I was first made aware of this natural supplement through the YouTube channel, high intensity health. One of the first things that stood out to me, is that it helps shrink arterial plaque in the heart. If that isn’t amazing in it’s self, it gets better.

Berberine (in many studies) has been shown to help stabilize blood sugar.

It can lower inflammation in the body, some say even better than turmeric can.

it can lower both cholesterol and Triglycerides.

Some research suggests that it can help prevent cancer.

and much- much.

I’ve personally been taking 500 mlg, twice a day for a few weeks now and can tell that there’s change happening. Certainly feeling less joint pain in my body, not having hardly any digestive issues after eating. What’s even better, is that it can act as a natural anti-biotic. Normally around this time of year, I’m personal prone to allergies and sinus infections. With taking berberine and proper sleep, the sinus pressure has gone down immensely.

My goal is to take berberine for a month process and go get my numbers checked. Though I’m still in the beginning process of seeing what more can happen, I certainly wanted to let you guys know as well.

The Darkest Part of CP, For Me Anyway

Last month was cerebral palsy awareness month, and typically my goal in that month is to encourage others like myself to get after their lives. Chase their dreams, better their health overall and to not let the world or cerebral palsy tell them who they can and cannot be. For the most part that is my motivation and how my mindset is most days. What is often not mentioned is how much living with cerebral palsy absolutely sucks!

And as someone who is “getting older” in life, there is certainly more evidence of both joint pain and spasms increasing in severity. Add to that the reality of people who have CP are prone to depression and anxiety as well, which in my opinion can also get worse as one progresses through life. For the most part, for me life is quite good. Yet, there are days and moments in my life that can be quite downcast and sorrowful.

            Which I’m sure that some might be shocked by that because I’m normally smiling and look as though I have “everything going for me” according to some. You can have everything in the world and still, life will attack you with suffering of various kinds no matter who you are. No one is immune to suffering or tragedy. The sooner we as humans realize such a reality, the sooner empathy and compassion can come alive in greater ways, when it comes to my personal living with CP. The hardest part of living with it, is feeling unseen in the world.

Feeling as though all people see is my disability, and what can’t be done in my body. It always seems that the abled bodied or more talented person is chosen over me. No matter what accomplishments have compiled or what is on my resume. When I was working a normal job, no matter the dedication shown and the ability to grow and adapt. I simply didn’t make the cut. This same feeling has crossed over into me a personal trainer, martial arts instructor, writer and more. From the outside in, it appears as though that from the abled bodied perspective people might think “yeah, you’ve helped people and you’re talented, but the fact of the matter is, because you cannot function as an abled bodied person were going to have to pass on you.”

Now, no one has ever told me this personally, but it certainly feels or seems this way at times. Which then to heavy amounts of fear that I’ll never be able to reach my goals in life, while doubting that I possess the ability and talent to even do so.  Moments such as these can turn into severe depression, that makes me want to lay in bed all day. For the vast majority of time though, the pain is stuffed somewhere inside me, and life is carried on with.

            Trust me, I’m not attempting to make others feel sorry for me or throw a pity party. Rather the world needs to see and understand, or at best try and see how a person like myself or myself might feel at certain moments in life.  I certainly wish that there weren’t days where it didn’t feel forgotten, looked down upon or incapable. The saddest reality is that some people will never see how much you or I are worth, and what we can offer to the world.

What then are we left to do?

I know that I’ve shared a heavy reality, however what we must all understand is that life is not always positive and hopeful. Rather life can bring about the darkest of conditions and seasons. It is up to us, amid that to find hope during such circumstances. For me, everything begins and ends with my walk with God. He tells us to cast our cares upon him, because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

He is the reason that there is hope inside me to begin with, my faith provides me the courage to keep going, yet God is the one feeling me with strength and not my own. Additionally, as much as our minds might lie to us and bring us down at times. We are not less than because of a disability, we are not incapable, and we do have gifts and talents to offer the world. Even if others are too stubborn to see it. Lastly, and from my perspective, the times when we grow the most tired, discouraged, depressed, anxiety ridden etc. Those are the times when we might need to rest and re-examine. Talk to someone, a friend or therapist, pray, journal, or spend some time outside.

            The kicker is this, after we rest, we don’t stay down… We get up and we keep going, we show the liar in our brains and people that may not see our worth or significant, that we’re still here and we aren’t going anywhere.  If you have things inside you that you want to accomplish, guess what? You still have work to do, and if you aren’t sure what your purposes or gifts are in this life, start the process of finding that out because believe it or not, the world needs your talents and gifts even if it’s on small scales. You can make a difference,     


Three Supplements Everyone Should Take!

As someone who has been in the health and fitness world, for quite awhile now, supplements are often recommended to clients. Primarily to those who are on very fixed incomes and live with a disability of some kind. While it is true that, we as humans should be getting most of our daily nutrients from food. For some people it’s very difficult to be eating as clean as we should be.

However, if there were three supplements that (I believe) everyone should be taking, are as follows:

NAC (N-Acetylcysteine)

There are a host of reasons that everyone should be taking this, but i’ll mention a few. The biggest reason that people should be taking it, is in light of certain viruses in the world. Especially those that impact the lungs in such a profound way, NAC helps expel mucus from the lungs much easier. Even those with asthma.

Beyond that NAC has the ability to improve cognitive function, reduce inflammation in the body and it can boost immunity as well.

Magnesium (preferably a complex)

The biggest benefits of Magnesium, is that it has been shown to lesson the chances of a person having type 2 Diabetes by helping regulate blood sugar. It has also been show to reduce ones risk of cardiovascular disease, furthermore it can be shown to help those with anxiety or depression, as it can help calm the mind and nervous symptom. Not to mention improve daily sleep.

Vitamin D 3 and K2

The last supplement that I suggest that people is a combo of vitamin D3 and k2, this combo has been shown to further aid humans in better heart health. In that it helps calcium is better absorbed in the bones and doesn’t calcifi. The combo can also further help strengthen the bones of the body and even improve muscle function.

Lastly, you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg on these 3 supplements.

For NAC, check out Deal Supplements

For Magnesium complex, check out wild food co

Vitamin D3 and K2, check out Deal Supplements.

In love and health,

The CP Health Nut

Guess What!?

I am now a certified keto health coach!

Now, this is a certification for a long time. The problem is most keto certs online are thousands of dollars, if not more. So, as one might be able to guess, this wasn’t something that I was able to do. That is until this Keto Health Coach cert on Udemy, this course was much-much cheaper and has over 90 lessons and is very in depth in my estimation.

This creates a freedom of sorts inside me, in that I can now coach and help others in a frame work that aligns with my convictions. Coming from a traditional PT and personal trainer background (still certified for a few more years) literally it is a very carb based outlook.

I’m not saying that Carbs are always wrong or evil, more so that our society is deeply addicted to the wrongs kids. Which can add to the destruction of our health. Further more, it is my belief that a ketogenic diet is great for those with auto immune disorders, metabolic issues, chronic pain and much more. Simply by cutting out the processed junk, we improve as humans.

Regarding the Keto, I tend to believe that a higher protein version is the best way, similar to the Atkins approach. Especially if you are one with a high metabolism or even an athlete. Higher protein will help kick the desire for crappier foods to the curb. All this to say, I’m excited to develop a new coaching venture! And if anyone needs help or have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out!

Are You Living?

“It is not death that a man should fear, but rather he should fear never beginning to live.”
-Marcus Aurelius
This quote from Marcus Aurelius is thought provoking and frankly quite scary, why? Because his words cut deep in the human framework. Lately, sleep has been a fight for me, there have been a lot of dreams that take place in the spiritual realm. For those that don’t know much about me, I consider myself to be a religious person, despite my imperfections and the many-a-time that I’ve wandered from the path.
As a religious person, the reality of death frightens me at times, even though I believe that I am eternally secure in Gods grace. The stoics spoke of death more than most because many of us run from the fear of death itself. We try and remove the fear of death from our minds by filling our minds with more busy times. And yet, time is passing, and we are growing older with time.
Have you begun to live?
How do we begin to define living?
Personally, in my heart of hearts I’ve felt like I haven’t begun to live. Not even come close what I want to accomplish in life. The People that I want to try and help, the legacy that my heart desires to live. We put some much time into earthly things, thinking that they will bring lasting hope and significant, but they won’t nor will they ever. There was a movie producer once, that became so addicted and driven by money, that he kept saying to himself “one more million and I’ll be happy.” Was he? No, in fact even sadder his fat was a cold and dark one.
I fear the worst of what God would say to me, upon seeing him in eternity… Him asking me: “Brandon, what did you do with the time I gave you?” And my fearful response would be, “Not much my king.”
“For I didn’t make the most of the time and chances given to me.”

Simple Practices For a Healthier Life

The following are simple practices that I’ve incorporated in my life, they have made my life healthier. They may work for you, this is not to taken as medical doctor before executing.

Exercise: 30 -40 minutes a week, cardio, rowing, walking, running sprinting etc. Strengthen your muscle, you need nothing fancy, just your own body weight and resistance bands.

Water and sea salt- this is great for hydration and far cheaper than most hydration supplements.

Cold water exposure- start out with 30 seconds everyday and gradually increase, this will help burn fat, lower BP, ease depression, inflammation and more.

Nasal breath- this will increase the level of nitric oxide in your body, snoring will decrease and sleep better. 10-20 deep breaths a day.

Eat more protein- it will keep you fuller, boost cognition and keep you strong

Cut out the processed sugar- this means cutting out those sweets! And more protein will fight the cravings too.

Processed carbs, sweets, various deserts etc, the occasional treat is fine, but as I’ve found this helps in the fight for better metabolic health.

Greens- if your body/ stomach can handle them, the darker greens are filled with potassium and magnesium as well. A Greens powder can suffice as well.

Fruits- low in sugar berries of various kinds, love me some berries

Fasting-12-16 hours a few times a week, this will aid in helping repair gut imbalance, help the body recycle its-self and kill cancer cells.

Sun light- contrary to popular belief, some exposure everyday, 10-15 minutes is great for your over all mood.

Go to bed around the same time every night, try for 6-8 hours a night. Limit screen activity a few hours before bed. The darker the better.

Limit caffeine- 1-2 cups a day of coffee or tea, my personal choice has been green tea, and lemon balm tea, both help decrease anxiety, BP, cortisol and even help burn fat.

Read a book! – 30-40 minutes a day, reading helps us see a new perspective, and exercises the brain.

A Rant on the Medical Industry

The following is not health or nutrition advice, but my own thoughts toward the medical world/industry


There has been a frustration inside me, as it relates to the medical world. Even as one who has practically grew up in that setting, having cerebral palsy, numerous surgeries, seizures and even Asthma. Now, to a fair degree there is a great thankfulness to the doctors that helped me as a child, more so from helping to get the reality of seizures under control in my life. And even now as an adult, having muscle relaxers to keep very painful spasms at bay, is a Godsend. The frustration that has risen inside me, is because my eyes have discovered how broken the system actual is. And the question that must be asked is, are we becoming our healthiest selves? Or are we floating along only believing that we are healthy?
The average doctor that I’ve seen over the last few years, they have quite the belly on them while trying to tell others how to be healthy. And to a degree it can be easily understood, think of the number of people that they see daily, they barely have the time to take care of themselves. And more than likely, when they get a chance to eat, its probably the quickest bite to eat that they can consume. My biggest problem is that the medical world seems to want to keep people dependent upon them and the medication provided. For instance, diabetes is said to be managed and not reversed. When there have been people that have reversed it, and the changes that had to be made in their lives had little to do with medication. A lot of it had to do with changes within the human diet and exercising every day. Also, the issue of high blood pleasure, doctors have some people on a handful of medications. Which for men, can have horrible side-effects, that, and high cholesterol pills. Again, when you change your diet, good things can happen in a person’s life. One time, I tried to express these concerns with my own doctor, and in his response, he said, “these medications are a necessary evil”. Something about his response did not sit well with me, and still does. In my estimation, if a medication is making you sicker and not healthier, there’s a problem. Beyond this, is the nutritional aspect.
Doctors appear to be hell bent on getting people to eat more vegetables, and much less or no red meat. Because red meat is so terrible and deadly. To support this reality, there are commercials that have food companies fill your fried full of food, but you know what’s not in the fridge in said commercial? Meat! It’s all vegan friendly foods. Now, I have no issue with getting one’s daily greens, however, in my opinion is not only one of the most nutrient filled foods but the reality of more protein within the human diet, can not only change one’s body composition. But can help that stabilize blood sugar levels as well, to add to that it will keep one fuller and you’ll stop craving the foods you don’t need as much. Not one time have I personally heard a doctor or dietitian say this. Even politically speaking, the more progressive want to eradicate red meat from the world, or so it seems. Pharmaceutical companies seem to be bent toward the same direction. To me, it seems that if the medical world wanted to keep others healthier, it would start with the hope of keeping people out of their office, rather than dependent on them. It would also consist of having a fair understand of nutrition, and dispelling of myths that stem from the 70’s. Again, even though I’ve expressed some deep frustration with medical industry, my words are used to be an agent for change.

Lessons From My Favorite Prayer

The serenity prayer is one of my favorite prayers to recite,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The prayer is simple, but one that is always there in time of need. It also can be one that serves and comforts you. The first step is the acknowledgement of God, and our need for his mercy and help. One might stumble over the reality of a higher power existing, regardless of how one believes or feels.

There will be times in life (for all of us) when we feel powerless over our circumstances, and we will most certainly seek help outside of ourselves. Even if it is from another person or group of people. In these times, we seek out hope, wisdom, truth and even serenity. It points further to the reality that as humans, we were never meant to walk alone. Hold onto this given inclination, it might point you to the greatest truth ever discovered or even your destiny might be revealed.

Things we cannot change

All of us in life are surrounded by things we cannot change, for example, one could wake up in a perfectly good mood and ready to take on the day. Despite that, however, there might be the furthest from how you woke up. In fact, if you or I are not in control of faculties, we can find ourselves absorbing their very own mood. This is written from both experience and repeated failure. There are times in life where it is easier to deal with the world around me, and others where nothing but chaos surrounds. Anxiety pounces, and depression finds a way to mix itself in.

A few things that have aided me in this, beyond saying this prayer, is slow breathing through the nose and out the mouth: Breathing in 5 seconds slow and exhaling 5 seconds slowly. Repeat this for 2-5 minutes daily. The second practice is knowing that you cannot control how people act or what they decide to do. If on the other hand, were the cause of another’s problems, then take ownership of it as much as you can. Make the amends that are needing, with the understanding that is up to them how they respond. Thirdly, pray, even if you have never prayed before. There have been times, when alone that my prayers have been screams and laments. Though, I am not proud of the fact, none the less God’s spirit has always comforted me.

The Things We Can Change

Most often the things we can change, are the same things we refuse to do. Our hearts have a God ordained way of letting us know what’s wrong and what requires fixing. Yet, we knowingly suppress the truth of what we should do. For instance, we might believe that it is time to embark on the path of our own destiny. And yet, we don’t because we’re afraid of the judgement or attitudes of others. What we are meant to do, will continually rise to the surface until we do what must be done. We might not be able to control what happens around us and to us, but we can change how we respond to them. It takes a lot of time, and grace but it is a skill set that can be improved upon.

Its also something that you will fail at, a lot, rather learn to get back up quickly and stay on course. We can change quite a lot about ourselves, we only must be able to put in the work daily. We can learn self-control, to eat better, we can shed weight or body fat, we can improve the relationship around us, we can make the environments around us look and feel better. There is so much more that can added to the list, if only we let the discover the dreams and visions that God has placed inside of us, then we will find a mode of being and a true reason to live.

Confronting Manhood: Breaking Camp

Breaking Camp

            A man is called to adventure when the time comes to leave the home of his mother and father, it’s echo’s the words of Genesis 2:24: This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. This is the reality for most abled bodied men, parents know that the day will eventually arrive, and the father usual takes it better than the mother. The mother typically wrestles more when their son or daughter leaves home and embarks on the journey and adventure of them, because there is a fear that overcomes them, usually about the safety and well-being being of their child. Any parent that had any amount of sense to them would feel this way, even that of a rugged and strong father. Imagine if your son or daughter was born with a disability, the fear that would fill a parent then. That sense of freedom and adventure still fills them as well.

My mother and I have butted head quite a few times, one of which times was when the desire for me to attend college, away from home. She didn’t like the idea at all, in fact she shot it down and told me that the only way that attending college would be a reality, was if it was online. Her reasoning was that it would be much safer for me, and she could help should something happen to me. And as much as she shot down my desire to attend college outside of the home, the more the desire for me to fight for what I wanted came out. We had a few several heated arguments, at this time the ability to be able to control my emotions was rather difficult and thinking before the words came out of my mouth didn’t exist as a practice. My mother is a very stubborn woman in nature, and she doesn’t back down until she gets what she desires, so you can naturally see where my same attitude comes from.

            My father graciously took me to tour a few college campuses in town, truthfully, which could have been any local college, but it was the size of a few colleges freaked me out and ultimately it seemed right to me to choose a very small faith-based college. After getting accepted to the college of my choosing, which was a very simple and straight forward process, came the time to pack up my things in move into my dorm. If my memory serves me correct, my mom stayed home and my dad and sister helped me move into my dorm, my mom had tears in her eyes as we were leaving. Which in a way made me feel bad, but this was something that God has called me to do, and when he commands, you execute the mission at hand. There was even uneasiness in my own heart because of the realm of “no man’s” land that awaited me. After several hours and trips back and forth from my dorm room, it was time for my family to leave. My dad tried to play it tough, but deep down, he was terrified as well.

It wasn’t as though, there were hundreds of miles from home either, literally the span of time was twenty minutes. The four and a half years that was my college experience was some of the best years of my life, but my God did learning come through hardship and even pain. One day in the cafeteria while trying to transport a cup a coffee to the table while driving my scooter, sometimes my brain didn’t connect the dots, between turning the speed down on my scooter and the hot cup of coffee held between my legs. The coffee spilled all over my lap, which was a very painful and frankly embarrassing experience. Or in a similar experience, but only dropping an entire plate of food on the ground. There isn’t another time in my life, where the struggle was so real, apart from recovering from a severe operation, but you know what? It was deeply-deeply satisfying to my soul.

            This has been one of the most profound regrets of my life, was that there wasn’t room for much struggle and toil in my life. Well, why would you want struggle and toil in your life? You might ask, because you find out what you can do as a man, and when you overcome a challenge in life, you feel as though you were Samson, who killed a lion with his bare hands. Sometimes parents of children who have disabilities ask me for advice on how to raise their children, there’s no real words of inspiration, but in a frank and compassionate way, I tell them that eventually you must let your children struggle and fight. Love them yes, care for them yes, but sometimes love is letting a person experience things for themselves. This isn’t to say, that you should be careless with your child and let them do horrible dangerous actions because they’ll learn. The point is that when it comes to mastering their lives, they must know how to succeed and thrive in hard times.

                         Whether that’s learning how to cook, tie shoes, button up a shirt and so on. It may be difficult for a parent to stand back to hear your child to become frustrated and even cry. But when they overcome the challenge in front of them, they will gain a confidence in themselves and be ready to take on the next. There is always the reality of adaption, meaning that if something is physically out of the realm of possibility for them, because of lack of dexterity in the hands find a device that can that reality more doable. Example being, tying my own shoes was nothing something that was very doable because of the lack of dexterity in my right hand, so my sister went to a shoe store and got me some shoelaces, that you didn’t need to tie, but pull for you shoe to become tighter on my feet. In terms of buttoning my ow shirt, some buttons are far easier than others, or I’ve learned that if buying a shirt that’s dressier I’ll simply put the shirt over my head without unbuttoning the shirt all together.

There’s almost always a way to adapt to a situation in life, we only must be willing to find that solution. The plea that is in my heart for parents who have disabled children is beyond what words can possibly express. There’re are profound consequences if you do not allow your children to grow, not only will their growth be stunted in every sense of the word, but they may never get to fully embrace the dreams that God has breathed into their hearts. Worse yet, if you do not allow them to grow and move into the world in as much as they can, the chances of the developing a great amount of shame within themselves is very high. Speaking from experience, the intense shame that I’ve battled for thirty-seven years of my life has been much. Sometimes the shame was so intensifying that the longing for sleep was my only way to obtain peace. Trying to mount any sort of fight against it proved to be futile. The shame that made its home inside me, seemed like a resident that would never leave, and one that was better off accepted as reality.

            The more that the attempt was made to simply shrug my shoulders, and the reality that was before me. The more unsettled my spirit became. My spirit became increasingly unsettled because on the inside of me, was the inclination that there was far more to my existence than even realized. Getting to a point where the culmination of my life’s purpose was before was a completely different story. The few things that have ever filled me with passion and fulfillment was writing, martial arts and fitness, and by the grace of God those avenues have been used to help others but not to the potential of what I believed to be right. The vision that unfolds in the sketch pad of my mind, was being a best-selling author, and helping others become healthier safer by the hundreds. It can be said that life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it. But we damn sure, should be able to take aim at the highest marker possible.  It is better to aim and miss then to not have aimed at all. 

Sadly, a good deal of the clients that I’ve worked with haven’t been able to take that aim either. As one that works as a fitness, nutrition, and health coach, most of my clients end up wanting to share their stories with me. The story is much of the same, they spend most of their time at home within different family dynamics. Many of them on some level of fixed income, some even have no means of transportation and or healthy amounts of in person social life. As a result, most of their mode of being is spent online via social media and other means of communication. These are in some ways, the forgotten people of society, both men and women. Meaning that they aren’t readily seen as the ones will conquer and make a difference in the world. They must fight harder to be recognized. Many of the clients that I’ve worked with over the past few years, have echoed the same feelings that their lives at times, are utterly meaningless and worthless. As though they will never get to embrace the adventure and longings that are indwelled within them. The simple way of saying it, is that they fear that they will never get the independence they long for.

            The increasing difficult as a coach to inspire, share empathy and share wisdom, while fighting those realities myself is monumental. As a man, it is even more agonizing to the soul. Primally speaking the man is the one who is meant to go out and hunt. The word hunt, in this sense is used as the means to gather the things needed for survival, not only of the self but of the pack (the pack meaning family). Women largely do not select a man, who cannot go out into the wilderness of life and hunt for the betterment of the tribe. More in the nature of how they are wired, than mere coldness, though it can be portrayed that way. It can be a very difficult and taxing reality to swallow as a disabled man. It is a reality that we should come to terms with, not in a hopeless or blind acceptance, but one with increasing optimism.       

The biblical figure of Abraham was 70 years old before God called him to pack up and leave all the comforts of home. He and his wife were also without children, the age of Abraham never truly stood out to me, until the moment the journey began through the bible again, my eyes saw the number of age his was and a sense of panic filled me. “what!? No God I can’t be like Abraham!” being 70 years old living with my family still, let alone with no children of my own. You see though, Abraham is the definition of the increasing optimism that was mentioned above. As Romans 4:17-19 informs us:

17 As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.”[a] He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.

17 As it is written: I have made you the father of many nations[a]—in the presence of the God in whom he believed,the one who gives life to the dead and calls things into existence that do not exist. 18 He believed, hoping against hope, so that he became the father of many nations[b] according to what had been spoken: So will your descendants be.[c] 19 He did not weaken in faith when he considered[d] his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old) and also the deadness of Sarah’s womb.

Others translation use the wording of “without weaking in his faith.” Or “against all hope.  The fact is this, he never gave up even in the moments where he or his wife felt discouraged. Our own inner dispositions must be the same, so much that no matter how long it takes us to reach the destination that God has destined us for, by his grace we will get there. It bears repeating that the faith that Abraham possess, is not something that here kindled up within himself, but the faith that he has is God given.  That same faith can lay dormant, I’m not attending to imply that all people have faith, but that in the grappling of our hearts can sometimes be the indication that there is something more going on. Such was the case in my own life, in the disparity and questions that weighed in me, was God himself waiting for his intended divine moment to reveal himself to me. Of all the times that was spent trying to suffocate the reality of God, it turned out to be my deepest need and longing. His love is the most sustaining reality of all life and existence. After my heart and mind were open to the revelation of Christ, there became an ever-increasing awareness of not only the gifting of how God wired me, but dreams as well. As a child the exposure to martial arts and writing came early, they were both gifts from God that needed cultivating and development over time. When academics were still very hit and miss for me, my mom gave me the ultimatum of sitting down to take a stab at writing a book or stick it out with college. Eventually, came the longing to find a wife, scripture even says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Yet my eyes always rolled when reading that verse after a series of failed relationships.

            It’s probably taken me more time than I’d like to mature in relationships, going from chaos to wanting to seek health in the bonding of two people. (I’ll unpack more of what that means later).  With every failed relationship and every year that passes, is like an artist trying to sketch an image in their mind on piece of paper, only to rip it up and throw it away. Even though the moments of wanting to ditch this specific desire in me were quite intense, God has a way of bringing the desire to mind. Even though the desire is ever present and real, the question that soon follows is how? How is this going to work?  That or follow up questions of “when Lord?” or “who would be strong enough to enter my context?” Answer to these questions have a way of befalling me, but the reality that settles me is trust. We must trust that even if God is the orchestrator of salvation, he will also do so with the rest of our life and mission. No matter how long it takes, as it did with Abraham.