Month: November 2015

Thoughts on Loving Deeply (Is It Really Worth It?)

Do you ever feel like you have so much love to give?

I do.

It almost feels like my heart and soul are at the bottom of love, as if the ocean its self was love. And my being would burst because it is to small to be caught in the ocean of love.

Some times I feel that I could simply go embrace a homeless person, not caring what society thought. Or to be like Richard Gere in Pretty Women and show a prostitute the warmth of real love, how a man treats a women, that she is made for far more then hustling for money on the street.

Perhaps that’s why I fall in love so quickly, is because I just have so much to offer and give of myself. Other’s have suggested that it is best to ease into love with a potential life partner. But I’ve never been good at that, I’ve never been able to contain the fire.

Another part of believes that when you love someone or something, it naturally pours forth from your life. Yet, much of the time I feel like I should live on my own island, so I don’t run people off. There have been few times in life where I have felt a certain love for someone, be it romantic or a friendship based love that simply wants that best for someone.

But I often don’t say anything because of fear of looking stupid, or that it was simply the crazy whirl wind of emotion that moves through me. I wonder, is really worth it to take risks with what we humans call love anymore.

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A Prayer From a Friend

A friend wrote me this long prayer this morning, it moved me deeply. And I hope that you find healing in these words as well:

I wanna pray for you

I want to pray that you understand just how much God loves you. I want to pray that you get just how much God wants the best for you. I want to pray that you are fully aware of God’s presence.

I want to pray for you today because I know we all need it. We all make mistakes. We all have that miscommunication issue. I want to pray for you that you understand that I have already forgiven you.

I want to pray for you today in hopes that you are aware that you are blessed. I want to pray over you favor when favor seems distant. I want pray over you grace and mercy. I want to pray over you that you fully wrap your mind around the fact that you are forgiven in Christ Jesus.

I pray over you today with the purest intentions. I pray over you today that you let God what He needs to do in your life. I pray that you allow God take care of you. I pray that God gives you understanding.

I pray that you find courage to fight one more day. I pray that you finally learn to forgive yourself for whatever it is that has been haunting you. I pray that you find peace. I pray that you find joy.

I pray that you find all that you seek in Christ. I pray that God opens your eyes to who He truly is and that He gives unfounded love! I pray you open your heart once more!

I pray over you today with the fact that the enemy has been running amuck in your life. I bind that devil up in the name of Jesus. I pray that you stand firm in confidence in who your God is!

I pray that you understand that God did not leave you. He did not abandon you. He is still there watching and waiting. I pray that you know that God takes care of you when you are unable to!

I pray that you read this whole prayer out loud. I pray that you let God show you that you are worth it. I pray that you allow God to break down those walls that you built. I pray that no weapon formed against you shall prosper.

I pray that God shows Himself strong in your life. I pray that you understand who YOU are in Christ Jesus! I pray that when you read all of this that you understand that you are more powerful now than ever!

I pray that you do not dismiss this prayer. I pray that you print it off and keep it as a constant reminder of just how good God is and that you will always have someone praying for you.

I pray that you know that I am always praying over you. I want you to know that this prayer isn’t for show. This prayer is real. There is power in these words that I have written.

I pray over you today. I pray that you understand that you are more than able to go the distance. You were born on purpose with a purpose. You are blessed and highly favored by God. You are loved and you are wanted. You are adored by the Most High God. You are His child. You are known and you are heard.

I pray that you have an incredible day and that I pray all of this in our Savior’s name King Jesus

Amen!

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You Matter: From Above and Below

I’ve been trying to find the words, words to describe what this depression feels like. For the fact that I can’t describe to anyone else. But the image that came to mind tonight was a dark tunnel with light at the end of. The catch is though, is that there is someone stuck underneath all the rubble. Most of the person’s body is covered, except a portion of the arm and hand.

It would be easy to think, “oh, just focus on crawling out from under and towards the light”. While that is some what of obvious answer, the reality still stands that the persons pinned down and they might not have the strength to escape. They might have the air in the lungs to yell for help.

This is what it feels like for me, in this moment.

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I just got home from jiujitsu practice, and every thing went well. My mood after was great and all was well in my world. But as soon as I sit down to eat some lunch, the feelings of sadness, shame, guilt, regret, loneliness and so many other elements return. Being a psychology major, I tend to see a lot of my life through that perspective. We tend to want to find the root of certain difficulties in our lives and the lives others.

But I don’t actually know the root to this pain, apart from some relational brokenness that I feel is in place. I feel that this pain is here because it can be. Sometimes you simply have to let seasons pass, it doesn’t matter how clean you eat, how much exercise or human interaction you have. Sometimes you have to let things run their course.

Despite these difficult circumstances, there is solace in my life. The other day I was having a weekly coffee meeting with a buddy of mine. I sat across from you, slowly and softly telling him all that was going on inside of me. Before I knew it tears were flying down my face, my friend reached into his coat pocket and gave me something to dry my eyes with.

He looked at me and compassionately informed me that I was a priority in his life. It honestly the most healing things I’ve heard from another human being in a long time. The other way I am receiving solace in my life, is allowing Abba (God-Daddy in Hebrew) love me and speak to me in the quiet hours of the night. As I lay there on my bed, he whispers “I love you my son, I’m not leaving you.”

It’s affirming to the soul, to know that you and I are loved from above and below. By God and by friends. Hold onto these truths. The sun will shine again.

 

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A Rant From a Rational Fuck up

I’ve never really felt that I was ever good a relationships, in any fashion. Can you relate? Regardless of the context, there has long been the nagging feeling that I was a relational disaster. Even in every day friendships it is easy to feel like I am doing more harm then good. I’ve noticed that I don’t communicate as well as I should, or that I don’t communicate clearly enough.

Many times the thought has come to me, to remove myself from society as a whole. Not in a suicidal way of thinking, but that perhaps civilizations or my immediate community would be better off with me. Sure, I know that I have much to offer others, but all the more I feel so deeply toxic to others.

This is completely irrational, I know, but its still something that myself and others that struggle the same must deal with, interact with and cope with. So many things in my character have been revealed lately. I have have jealously issues, I tend to rush into things and then things turn into a giant cluster fuck.

Then the internal dialogue begins,

Great job brandon, you stupid fuck! You did it again!

Haven’t you learned the first time?

Nope!

Then I ram my head against a wall numerous times… actually no I don’t. But the thought it still there. Its hard to show, grace and compassion to myself. Its hard to be kind to yourself when you feel like you deserve all the mess that comes your way. Its also hard when you feel that you have so much love to give, that it all comes flowing out all at once. The down side is that it can be too much for people and they run away because, the honest to God to truth is that I’ve fucked things up again.

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