The 3 Key’s To Change (On your fitness Journey)

Everyone has something they want to change  about themselves, be it physically, mentally or spiritually. Or so you should, sure moments of contentment tend to sustain us for awhile. But growth is the name of the game, when we stop wanting to grow and improve. We stop living and thriving altogether.

Let’s take the topic of weight loss for example, a person may set out to lose 20, 50 or even a hundred pounds.  The process for some is very difficult, the weight is stubborn and doesn’t come off as readily as one would like. It’s to become discouraged and give up on the process and gain even more weight.

The helpless thought kicks into our minds, making the claim that we always be this way, just accept it. Now, there might be a nugget of truth in the reality of “just accepting it”

I may always have cerebral palsy, my body might hurt a lot more than others, but that does not mean that I am over all helpless over my situation. As hard as it can be, I can choose to not listen to lie in my head that says I’m worthless.

You can capture it, speak to it with authority, understanding that it does not have the final word.

Embrace and celebrate the process: So you are aiming to lose some weight, or even gain muscle size. Embrace that it will be a journey, full of ups and downs. Nothing, almost nothing happens on our time frame. Celebrate every healthy choice, every workout, every time you chose a healthier source of food, over the quick satisfying fast food that won’t bring you any closer to a healthier you.

Have a healthy sense of self love: Know who you are. Know that you are on your journey, lay your fear and insecurity aside. Show up to the gym, do work and never mind the fear of what people are quietly thinking about you. What matters is that you show up to the day and you don’t quit

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Is Nutrition The New Religion?

Quite possibly…

Let me explain,  as humans when we discover something that works for us, we get really excited and filled with passion about it. We then want to evangelize about, because in our minds we believe the results that we’ve had will be the same for the next person.

We find all the ways to defend our nutritional convictions against others who might have a differing view. Its not always a simple disagreement or variants of opinion, it can be down right ugly too.

On social media, I constantly see vegans spewing fire and the more meat based community and vise versa. It’s so crazy! It’s become almost no different than a popular atheist having a heated debate with a theist.

Shouldn’t we be pumping the brakes a bit? I think so! We argue and defend our nutritional stand points, as though we are defending what one believes to be an absolute truth or fact about life or even the after life.

Stoooooop!

Nutrition is a temporary element to life, does it matter? Yes it does, what you feed your body matters. But it should in some ways be a personal path way for how you live your life and the legacy in which you want to leave behind for future generations to come.

When you come upon the last breath of your earthly life, I highly, highly doubt that the last though we have will be “My nutritional convictions was everything to me…” Nutritionally speaking, people are so damn different, some people love their fruits and greens more than I do.

Personally speaking, I believe that my body does very well, with a more meat based/carnivore approach. But I refuse to look down upon someone who chooses a more plant based diet. If that works for a person great, as long as they feel in their heart of hearts that they are thriving to their highest level, awesome!

On the other side of the spectrum though, there are people who’s bodies don’t respond well to a more fruit and greens approach. And that should be more than ok! If, as a professional, I have a client who loves a plant based approach, is not my job to shove my own conviction down their throats.

My soul objective is to work with whats good for them as a person, which is also a very complex journey to embark on. I can show people, as to why I believe that a more higher protein diet might be more beneficial in some ways. But to the degree that a person has free will, it’s up to them to decide what  is right.

Again, we aren’t arguing for a canonized authority on nutrition, the end all be all, alpha and omega of nutrition. Entire countries have sadly split over religion, and while it may very well be an extreme jump. If we are not carful, our stances on nutrition may slowly but surely do the same thing. Even more so, people choose to disassociate with others, because of a chosen nutritional stance, which is utter madness to me.

Food is vital to health, we all need to strive to be healthier, in order that we may live a full and healthy life. But it not something that we can use as a means to have social or moral superiority with.

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What Is Optimal Health?

Hello!

My name is Brandon Ryan, I am a certified fitness and nutrition coach, through the International sports science association. Over the past several weeks, I have been hard at work to obtain both certifications. Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I have always had a love for fitness, nutrition and the mind. Being that I was born with Cerebral Palsy (CP) my father was largely responsible for igniting my love for health and fitness. Finding ways to adapt things to my body.

I have always flirted with the idea of being a fitness coach, for the simple reasons that I love helping people, seeing their lives change and decide to take their lives to new places. For me, that could come in having and encouraging conversation, or seeing some one take charge of their physical health.

My four year degree in psychology, I believe truly helped me in obtaining both of my certifications. In that, I quickly saw that they both had to do with a clients perception and thought process. Furthermore, discovering ones limiting factors and helping them find ways to over come them. Much is the same with psychology. Some clients may simply need a coach that is deeply compassionate and understanding. One that listens and helps or aids one to seeing their lives in different ways.

This brings me to the question: What is optimal health? Different people arrive and different answers, some more focused on fitness, others focused on nutrition, others on supplementation and others on rest and recovery. All of those are great and needed to achieve full optimal function of the body and mind.

However, my approach to optimal health, is largely based from the inside out. Meaning that a healthy mind, emotions and view of ones self is my premise for optimal health. Everything else follows. So many of us neglect the mind, our emotions and how we perceive ourselves. You can be the worlds most elite athlete, and on the inside still feeling like you don’t measure up and have to compare your performance or even body to another.

Often, when people have told me that they want to lose weight. I often start by asking them why. I know it  can be annoying, but the why is vital, so very vital. Because, if a person wants to lose or gain weight, so that they can look like somebody else. Thats a very big problem, because every single person is an original. And we were never created to be a copy of someone else.

I make people understand the why factor first, because when they do. Then, we can work on becoming comfortable in their own bodies, and doing things for the betterment of themselves and not a pipe dream. When we do this, then we can talk about fitness, nutrition, gut health, rest and recovery the whole nine yards.

If you are not where you want to be in life right now, thats alright. Accept that reality, but then do what it takes to move forward for yourself, your own legacy, the health of your family etc. Thats real joy, peace, purpose and fulfillment my friends.

 

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But I’ve Sinned Too Much (Grace Part 2)

The other day I was writing in my journal, about how I simply could not understand how God could be so loving toward me. How deep and wide his grace is for me, how!? I have clearly sinned far too much in my life, I am far too prideful, stubborn and absorbed and have clearly out sinned the grace of God…

Except, I haven’t, you haven’t and we cannot exhaust his grace for us. If you are in Christ, your sin has been removed as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103). We are new creation in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:27).

The problem becomes, when we can know this in our heads, but we fail to live as if we are out of our hearts. We know it mentally, be we live as though we are still condemned. Yet scripture tells us, that there is NO condemnation when you are in Christ (Romans 8:1-1)

There is no condemnation for us, no guilt, no shame! But I still struggle, you say, yes me too, I believe that we are struggle in our own ways. And anyone who says that they no longer struggle I believe is a liar. Furthermore, if a person is fully healed and does not struggle with his or her sin nature any longer. Then they need to speak up and share their secrets.

For the the only way I have learned to combat my former self, is to renew my mind with the truth and love that Christ offers me through his word.

You might even think that there is no way, you could have victory over the besetting sin in your life. whatever it is. And so you think, there’s no way Gods grace is big enough for your situation, but I tell you that that is a lie the enemy wants you to believe.

I believe that the grace of God is big, far and wide, that you can complete wreck your life, and God’s grace would still be more than enough to cleanse, re-create your heart and sustain you.

Consider the thief on the cross (Luke 23:39-43)

Not much is know about this man, he might have had an entire life of stealing, cheating and lying has way to get what he wants. And in the last moments of his life, he begs the Lord to remember him in his kingdom.

What happens inside this man? In the final moments of his life, I believe that the holy spirit softens this mans heart and opens his eyes to see the Christ that is suffering beside him and for him. And so in other words he, says, Jesus have mercy on me a sinner.

The common reply to this is:

So your saying I can screw my life up and God will forgive me?  Well, yes and no. We just saw that Christ can forgive the man on the cross, who was asking to be remembered. Yet that was only by the grace of God to begin with. And even though Gods grace can make anyone new, I do not believe that God is saying to go make a disaster of your life. In fact, I would submit that he wants us to live a better life. One in line with him.

I’m telling you that the grace of God is so good, is more amazing than anything else in the world. It can make everything new in your life, regardless of what your prior life has been. But it is always amazing because it will set you on a pathway to a new destiny.

For his grace to us is this, when you and I are in Christ, it as though we have never sinned. For the father see’s the perfect image of his son in us, therefore the father see’s us as he see’s his beloved son.

There is hope,

don’t give up the fight.

Because he hasn’t given up the fight for you!

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Gods Grace

Gods grace is the single most beautiful, amazing and life changing gifts in my life and the world around us. Jesus Christ is the perfect, beautiful and amazing embodiment of that. His grace is all that I am and all that I have. Without his grace I am utterly lost, like a homeless soul begging to be let in to a warm home or begging for scraps.

gods-grace1His grace has changed my life, grace has rescued me from myself. Grace has given me the ability to discover my true self, it has given me the ability to live free from within and grace has taught me to smile regardless of what circumstances may be put before me.

The apostle Paul said that Gods grace made him what he is (1 Corinthians 15:10), the apostle Paul is most famous for his conversion in acts 9. Before his conversation, he hated and persecuted Christians, he had them thrown into prison and even killed.  Paul was a man who new the Jewish tradition inside and out, he even followed with utmost care and perfection it seemed. Though, he was a deeply religious man, he did not know true inner peace or who he really was or meant to be.

In my own spiritual journey, that following the commands of the Lord, is far more difficult when I am trying to do them out of my own strength and religious piety. But when I am operating out of a place of love and grace, things are more easy and light. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

You might be thinking: Okay, well how does one begin to operate out of the heart beat of grace? Great question, but I will first tell you that, at first, grace will not feel comfortable or even very “loving” why? Because grace has to break through the resistance of your mind, heart and being.

Again, this might be very comfortable at first, because God in his love, has to break through your pride, your self-reliance, your will, your desires everything. Basically in love, the Lord has to break you down to build you back up. He makes you a new creation.  He gives you a new mind, heart and will.

God did this in my own life, when he graciously allowed me to encounter his son Jesus. He melted me, he made me see all that I ever longed for and was longing for. He made me see, just how miserable I was and how horrible I was at playing god with my life. More importantly, he showed me that only he could be the satisfaction and peace that I so deeply longed for.

Feeling and knowing his amazing grace, spun me inside and out in the best way possible. I was happy and truly smiled! What I learned though, over time and actually on countless occasions, is that grace is much more than a feeling, but a true state of being, a deep anchor that a child of God can hold onto in the midst of life’s most violent storms.

No, I don’t always feel grace, but I have learned that it is so profoundly sufficient. Some days I am reminded of the sins of old, and the shame and regret that comes with them. Somedays I am so desperate to feel his grace, as though I am some sort of addict. I’m crying out for it.

In this time, Christ cries back to me saying I am the embodiment of grace! His life, death and resurrection is the all the grace I need, not a mere feeling. When I cannot feel the grace of God, he reminds me of what he did on the cross for me.

One) He took my place on the cross, and died the death that should have been for me (and you).

Two) He took my sin, shame and guilt. And in a great exchange, he gave me his perfection and made righteous in the sight of his father.

Three) While on the cross, he was momentarily separated from his father, so that you or I never have to be.

Four)  The resurrection of Christ, means that we have died to our old selves and that we have risen with him. Furthermore, it means, we will have a resurrection of our bodies when he comes again.

This is the only assurance we will ever need, in regards to his grace towards us. Even if we never saw another shred of evidence. Christ’s actions on the cross are more than enough evidence to show us the depth, width and breadth of his grace for us.

 

 

A Brief Thought on College

Thoughts on college: I think that some people should attend college, when they know they’re ready. That is not to say, that there is something wrong with one who attends college fresh out of high school. But think about how many times people change their degree paths before actually deciding on something. Especially, when college is being paid for by other means. I tried college at different times before my late twenties, and the truth is, I wasn’t ready. It made others un-happy. But you know what? I’m glad I waited until I was ready and willing to commit to the full process. If you’re not one who is ready for a four year college or longer. It doesn’t mean you can be lazy, but rather go and serve the world in some way. Go master a craft that betters the world. Also know, that college is not for all people. And that people are successful and contributing members of society, even without traditional education. Be a lover of knowledge and read everyday, knowledge is power no matter it comes from at times.

The Lost Art of Self-Control

imagesSelf-control is a beautiful tool, sadly I strongly believe that it is a lost concept or art. In the words of Robert Burns: Prudent, cautious self-control, is wisdom’s root. Think about this reality, in nearly all children martial arts programs, things like self-control, discipline. Honor, integrity and more are instilled in these programs. Now, by in large, this have become buzz words that parents look for to be instilled in the children. Largely because they have trouble instilling them in their children themselves, so martial arts might be a worthy avenue to try. I’m not knocking these programs, in fact, I love teaching kids and to be honest, kids programs are what keep most schools afloat.
Interestingly enough, we instill these values in our children and when people reach adulthood these values tend to fall away. I believe that’s because, we largely assume that as adults and martial artist we know how to control ourselves. Not so much! I have seen so many martial artists show no respect for their training environments, throw their equipment around, show up late for class, don’t pay attention and have an ego bigger than someone on my 600 hundred pound life. I have seen countless instructors, that don’t instill the bushido code in their students, and let them act however they want. Martial artist used to be disciplined and peaceful warriors, what has happened to us? I’ve seen many-videos of so called martial artists getting in fights, rather than exercising self-control and avoiding/walking away. I’ve seen countless FMA instructors teaching how to commit man slaughter, with an edged weapon. Rather than teaching how to control oneself and do what is needed and necessary, to use that edged weapon to create space and get away!
Furthermore, I also have seen instructors teach repeating stomps to the head, even after the situation has been neutralized. As martial artists, we should have the ability to control ourselves even when our lives depend on it. Now to be fair, there is a time and place to invoke violence. However, not every situation calls for that, in most self-defense encounters (if not all) one has to be able to legally justify the level of force used and why. Lyoto Machida, one of my favorite MMA fighters, has never let go of his Karate roots, that includes self-control, and even in his fights he does not go overboard when finishing a fight. In fact, he steps back and respectfully bows to his opponent. He is a prime example of self- controlled warrior that I’m speaking of. Lastly, outside martial arts and self-defense, self- control should be a daily current in your life. If it’s not, then you need to put into practice. Your life will improve immensely if you do. Not everything in life is worth freaking out about.
Learn to take a few moments each day to breath and be still, learn that the person you control is you. You can’t control as much as your led to believe. You only can control you. You can’t control the weather or how someone else reacts. Learn to separate yourself from a situation, let go of the past, set boundaries in your life and for others. Be self-controlled in your daily habits, make yourself a stronger warrior not just on the outside but the inside as well. I know what I’m saying may seem very basic and elementary, but I strongly believe that it is needed now, more than ever.

 

My Thoughts On “Trans Abled”

I can remember being in college, in hearing all the craze, about a woman who wanted to become paralyzed from the waist down. Link Here I remember scratching my head and thinking to myself this can’t be real, right? But I was truly wrong, it was real. I was made aware of the Psychological disorder called BIID, or body integrity identity disorder. 

B.I.I.D. according to the NCBI, is defined as: Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) is a rare, infrequently studied and highly secretive condition in which there is a mismatch between the mental body image and the physical body. Subjects suffering fromBIID have an intense desire to amputate a major limb or severe the spinal cord in order to become paralyzed.

Now, as a person who has lived with an actually disability (cerebral palsy) for 34 years. It is extremely difficult for me not to take a stand against this. For the simple reason that I didn’t have a say in the matter of being born in the matter that I was. There was no psychological imbalance or trauma that caused me to be born with such a condition. But rather complications in the birthing process and actually trauma to my brain.

Cerebral Palsy is not the worst thing in the world, but it does have its taxing days, both on my mind and emotions. And yes, some days I wish I could walk, run, and live like everyone else. Somedays I wish that I could have a new body, but never could I ever have imagined the new momentum of wanting to be “Trans-Abled”

Where people actually want to not have use of their eyes, legs or even arms. And the torture in which they put themselves through. In the name of achieving such goals is down right disgusting and frankly demonic. Forever, there are doctors and seemingly “medical professionals” who are willing to aid their patients in the process! And if not done by a medical professional, then physical harm is done by the person seeking those results.

As a society, what is happening to us? And are we actually willing to accept this as the new social norm? Furthermore, if we are willing to accept this as a new social norm, provided more and more people actually want to move into this supposed “life style” are we actually fighting for human flourishing? No, we are are not fighting for human flourishing, rather we are accepting a deep form of human denigration.

As human beings we should be pushing people with mental illness and various disorders, to thrive and be at peace with themselves at some level. This also goes for medical professionals as well, as most already are, but there’re also quacks everywhere you go. I don’t meant to sound in-compassionate to these people that have this mental disorder, because they’re people too.

But no, you don’t and shouldn’t have the right just to cut your own arm off, simply because you want to be called “One arm Jack” which is a real story too. This is heart breaking, these people need deep compassionate mental care. For no real human being should set out to accomplish the goal of becoming disabled in various ways just to feel whole.

That in my estimation is the very definition of Ab-normal. I get that a lot of people feel trapped in their own bodies, but the answer is not harming yourself to accomplish a sense of people or even taking ones life, no way no how. Finding a sense of inner peace within oneself can be an extremely daunting journey, I know it has for me.

And I mentioned earlier, having CP is not the worst thing in the world, but there are days when it sucks and my body is in great pain. And yes, the days where I would like to experience what it is like to be like every other person, they come too. But I have done the hard work to have a sense of peace with myself and my maker.

I dealt with the shame of my right hand, the scars on my body and so on. And though my struggle is not the same of one that suffers from BIID. I can honestly tell you that I am at peace with myself, I still struggle, but I’m very okay with the body that I have been blessed with.

The same, I believe can be found for someone that suffers with BIID, to find true mental healing and restoration. It may be a long process, but it is possible, it takes the care and compassion of mental health professionals to help them work through a lot of layers and change the way we think.

Though I profoundly and disagree with the desire for one to become disabled, in any sense. Does not mean that I love or care for them any less. These people still have the image of God on them, and  whether they know that or not. That is their truest self of identity. And from that everything else follows.

They have such worth and value, and they need people who will show them that, not just cave to their desires.

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Don’t get bitter-Get Better! The Annoying Truth.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase: Don’t get bitter getter better, if you’ve found it to be slightly annoying, that is more than okay. However, it’s been coming to my mind the last few days, and as annoying as it can be. I believe that the phrase or quote has truth to it.

First, bitterness is nothing more than carrying around excess emotional, mental and even spiritual weight inside us. It robs us of joy, fun, sleep, makes us cranky and not fun to be around. For many of us, we have had relationships go wrong, been screwed over in some ways or saw someone we don’t like get the upper hand in life so to speak.

It drives you nuts I know, especially with social media, it’s easy to see the lives of someone we don’t like all happy, acting as though everything is fine. Meanwhile, we’re still pissed that they hurt us, and rightfully so. I’m not trying to make smallness to anyones pain.

Over the last year, I have had a few people screw me over in various ways, and you know what? It hurts and it pisses me, and somedays I would like to give them a piece of my mind. But here’s the thing, they probably don’t care and aren’t even giving it a thought.

So what I left with? What are you left with?

Two options: Stay where were at: Bitter, angry, pissed off, hurt and wanting to smacking someone or a group of people silly. Or… Or, we can let it go, for the better quality of life. Letting go of the hurt, anger and frustration. This then, doesn’t mean that you justify what a person did, it doesn’t even mean you forget it. But it does mean accepting the harsh reality, that the person that is most stunted in forward progress is YOU and ME.

I’ll say it again, most people don’t care that you’re hurt, angry or pissed off. They mostly only care about themselves. Unless, unless a person comes to you and is truly remorseful, then the context can be a lot different. So at the end of day, we are stuck with ourselves.

Get better: As I said above, we can learn to gradually let go of the wrongs done to us, for the improvement of ourselves. We can ponder any mistakes that we could have made, and learn to improve upon them. We can apply discipline in our lives, in the name of setting boundaries, so that we don’t allow others to hurt us or take advantage us whatever it is, ever again.

You and me, we only get one shot as this earthly life. So why not spend it on the relentless pursuit of getter better in every single area of our lives. Not being weighed down by past experiences? We soar greater in life, when we have less to weigh us down.

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How CP Led to My Happiness!

“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?” -Isaiah 45:9, New Living Translation

Snapshots of My Conversion
As someone who was born with cerebral palsy, this was one of my hearts most loaded questions. After all I just wanted to know what it was like to be like everyone else. To be able to run, jump, walk and do the things that normal kids/ people did. Doctors told my parents that, one of two scenarios would unfold in light of me having cerebral palsy. One) I’d grow out of it and two) I wouldn’t be able to do much of anything on my own.

Thankfully my parents are very stubborn and refused to believe any of the doctors outcome. Over time I gained weight and strength, as well as finding escapes from the confines of my wheel chair and leg braces through being raised in the martial arts and strength training, thanks to my father.

Still though, as a young boy, I had to endure the pain of various operations on my legs, hips and spine. Each operation, requiring a year or more of recovery and thus not being around peers my age and being confined to a bed, with minimal outside interaction apart from going to therapy and the doctors. As a young boy, I couldn’t help but ponder the age old question: If there was a God, why did he allow me to be this way? Why so much pain and suffering? As a kid, I was raised with the concept of reincarnation, thus the probability that I could come back as a new person with a new person.

Yet even that I was very skeptical about, in all honesty, I didn’t know if God was real, good or loving. In short, until I was 17 years old, I was an agnostic and yet deep down I wanted there to be something more and greater than myself. I only was suppressing the truth, as the apostle Paul states in Romans 1:18, the biggest catch was that in my own heart, if he was real that I wanted nothing to do with him. What I didn’t know, what was that through all the suffering, anger, bitterness, jealousy, depression and envy. Was that the Lord, in his grace was already affectionately drawing me to himself.
What I Have Learned
He is always in control: As I have grown in my faith journey over the last several years, I have found immense comfort and joy in his complete and utter control over my life. The words of Ephesians 1:3-11 “3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us[b] for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known[c] to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. Simply put I interpret the words of Ephesians 1:3-11 to mean, that he was in control, that he knew that in the midst of such suffering and darkness. That he had already set me apart, not only to the praise of his glory but that I may be a living reflection of love and grace to the world.

I/we are loved and not mistakes: The father has loved me so well, through his son Jesus. When the holy spirit softened my hard heart, I quickly understood how wide and deep and how vast was his love for me. I was humbled in knowing, that when he fashioned me in my mothers wombs, that I was not some sort of divine-cosmic accident, but that even in spite of having cerebral palsy, I was still fearfully and wonderfully made.

And neither are you. Look to the gospel of John 9, Jesus’s disciples see a man who was born blind and automatically ask, why this man was born the way he was. Was is his sin or the sins of his parents? Jesus says neither sinned, but that this man, was and is this way so that his glory might be revealed through him. We must truly cling to these realties. For I do not believe that I, nor my cerebral palsy is a mistake, but something that had to go through the authority of God first and foremost.

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I am not a mistake and you certainly are not a mistake either, for God has great lavished such an amazing love upon us. And is not a stranger to our pain, but plunged into suffering for us on the cross. Therefore, our Lord is not someone who has to seem like a stranger in our pain and darkness, but is one who is our deepest anchor and hope. If you find yourself, as I have, in great darkness. The arms of Christ can and is your greatest comfort. Not every day will be sunshine and rainbows. But in him is true satisfaction, love and hope in spite of how great the suffering.