My doubts concerning faith and God have been like a tornado, meaning that sometimes it touches down and destroys nothing. Other times when it touches down it takes out everything in its way. Doubt is paralyzing, it takes all my energy away and often it is like I can’t breathe or move. Fear seems far too real and sometimes it’s all that seems to be present in my life. I have doubted everything from the existence of God to supposed contradictions within scripture. Most of the things that most every Christian has dealt, but few admit. Most of my doubt, however, seems to have stemmed from the number of friends that have left the faith, after going to grace university. Most of whom I have had close ties with. Furthermore, most of my family does not hold my same convictions, and so I have had great anxiety about their eternal states.
I have longed prayed for their salvation, but have had little answer. I ask you, though, does that then make God unfaithful? Personally, I do not think so, if God is the author of life and death, he can do as He wishes. In no way, does he have to act as we so desire or will. Many times are view of God is so skewed and short sided that we fail to see the big picture. As it relates to suffering, most get so caught up in the emotion and aftermath, that it can be hard to see any further. But God sees a lot further than any of us. One way that scripture seems the most real and relevant, is that the people in the Bible are no strangers to pain and questions. In some ways, that should help loosen the tight grip around our chests that prevent us from breathing freely and with joy.
Literally, everyone in the Bible has questioned and screamed at God. Everyone has battled with different anxieties and seasons of depression. I highly suggest the readings of Spurgeon, that guy suffered from doubt and depression at length, and still, he came out on the other side with more joy and pleasure and Gods presence than ever before. I can’t tell you how this will play out for you, but I can tell you that I believe that God will bless you and keep you and that his faith will shine upon you. I only pray and ask that you cling to Him, as the woman did that suffered from internal bleeding for numerous years. You can trust Him; he will never leave you nor forsake you. He has overcome the world and is bigger than our doubt and pain. This journey will not be an easy one, it takes prayer, praise, community and most importantly time. You must be willing to prayerfully start working through many of your questions and doubts.
In the words of Pastor Matt Chandler: “A mature Christian is one who runs to God and not from God.” I am not if you are not spiritually mature. However, I am saying that there is freedom to run to God with your heavy heart. As many skeptics would tell you to simply disavow your beliefs, the same way Job’s wife said “forsake God and die” but despite that he clung to God and worshiped God in the end. You too can make through this grim and nasty storm. In Christ care and mercy, I know you will be okay, you only must be willing to keep your feet moving behind him, believing that He will take care of your every need and heal every ache and wound.
In Christs love and compassion.
PS, He loves you so madly, He is so crazy about you. He is a roaring lion that will fight away every demon and spiritual stronghold.