There were two avenues growing up that set my heart of fire, they were:
Martial Arts and Fitness.
The martial arts was quite literally something that I was born into, watching my dad teach growing up, wether it was in a garage or a dojo setting. Was something that seemed to fit my personal desires.
Fitness followed, at an early age my dad placed a weight in my hand to teach me how to do a proper bicep curl. And taking a kids multi- vitamin to help me become strong. Martial arts and fitness were always on the forefront on my mind, even going through grade school, the thought of exiting the school doors to train filled my mind in such a captivating way.
It almost seemed as though, that these two avenues were my purpose and destiny in life. They weren’t vain pursuits for me. I didn’t merely want to make others look good on the outside, nor did I desire to teach others self defense for the sake of violence. Rather physically speaking the desire was to help others have a better relationship with their bodies, what they could do and who they could be.
With the martial arts, the ethos was similar, only that I desired to teach others how to have the security and confidence should they ever have to defend themselves, a loved one or a passer by from the hand of evil and danger. Fitness and martial arts are honestly the own two things that I’ve been good at and made me feel as though I was doing what God created me to do.
Though, if I’m exceedingly honest, it would seem that I’ve acquired more failures at both than there have been successes. Upon finally making the choice to become a certified personal trainer, perhaps my disposition was an over zealous one in that I believed that people with adaptive needs would flock to me, to become the best version of themselves.
Certainly, there is no denying that I’ve helped a fair amount of people with both my knowledge and passion. From a worldly perspective, it became exceedingly difficult to find paying clients. Often, being one that understands what living on a very fixed income is all about, there were many times I’d coach clients for free. The war in my mind was the equation of: do I want to make money or help others? What was more important to me?
Obviously helping others was the driving force, but money never hurt either, often out of the charity of my heart I only wanted to help others. Perhaps in hindsight, I shouldn’t have compromised on money as much if at all. The same can be said of the martial arts as well, teaching is something that has a profound love for. My of my greatest desires is to one day have a school of my own.
Yet, the reality of making money and retaining students has always been my dark shadow that has haunted me. So, what business do I have to even dream of a reality such as this? If you ask me, I don’t anymore. Or so it seems to be. These dreams have always been the spark that starts the engine of my soul, lately, however it would seem that its time to lock them up and toss the key away.
My personal bent has always been optimism, but maybe it’s time to see the reality for what it is, that being that I’m not very good as a trainer and martial artist. Perhaps it’s time for me to acknowledge them for what they are wishful thinking that will I will never succeed at. Perhaps this is only an ache in my soul, and will go away in time. At this point in time however, I feel as though there is nothing to show for in life. I feel as though I’ve failed too many times to ever have a straight path again.
brandonleeryan 