Tag: Depression

The sad reality of dreams and wishful thinking.

There were two avenues growing up that set my heart of fire, they were:

Martial Arts and Fitness.

The martial arts was quite literally something that I was born into, watching my dad teach growing up, wether it was in a garage or a dojo setting. Was something that seemed to fit my personal desires.

Fitness followed, at an early age my dad placed a weight in my hand to teach me how to do a proper bicep curl. And taking a kids multi- vitamin to help me become strong. Martial arts and fitness were always on the forefront on my mind, even going through grade school, the thought of exiting the school doors to train filled my mind in such a captivating way.

It almost seemed as though, that these two avenues were my purpose and destiny in life. They weren’t vain pursuits for me. I didn’t merely want to make others look good on the outside, nor did I desire to teach others self defense for the sake of violence. Rather physically speaking the desire was to help others have a better relationship with their bodies, what they could do and who they could be.

With the martial arts, the ethos was similar, only that I desired to teach others how to have the security and confidence should they ever have to defend themselves, a loved one or a passer by from the hand of evil and danger. Fitness and martial arts are honestly the own two things that I’ve been good at and made me feel as though I was doing what God created me to do.

Though, if I’m exceedingly honest, it would seem that I’ve acquired more failures at both than there have been successes. Upon finally making the choice to become a certified personal trainer, perhaps my disposition was an over zealous one in that I believed that people with adaptive needs would flock to me, to become the best version of themselves.

Certainly, there is no denying that I’ve helped a fair amount of people with both my knowledge and passion. From a worldly perspective, it became exceedingly difficult to find paying clients. Often, being one that understands what living on a very fixed income is all about, there were many times I’d coach clients for free. The war in my mind was the equation of: do I want to make money or help others? What was more important to me?

Obviously helping others was the driving force, but money never hurt either, often out of the charity of my heart I only wanted to help others. Perhaps in hindsight, I shouldn’t have compromised on money as much if at all. The same can be said of the martial arts as well, teaching is something that has a profound love for. My of my greatest desires is to one day have a school of my own.

Yet, the reality of making money and retaining students has always been my dark shadow that has haunted me. So, what business do I have to even dream of a reality such as this? If you ask me, I don’t anymore. Or so it seems to be. These dreams have always been the spark that starts the engine of my soul, lately, however it would seem that its time to lock them up and toss the key away.

My personal bent has always been optimism, but maybe it’s time to see the reality for what it is, that being that I’m not very good as a trainer and martial artist. Perhaps it’s time for me to acknowledge them for what they are wishful thinking that will I will never succeed at. Perhaps this is only an ache in my soul, and will go away in time. At this point in time however, I feel as though there is nothing to show for in life. I feel as though I’ve failed too many times to ever have a straight path again.

Have You Considered Berberine?

If anyone knows anything about me, from reading any of my blog entries regarding health, then you might notice that I’m not the biggest advocate for prescription medicine. At least right away. In a sense, my eyes have been opened to have been opened to how broken the medical industry is. In no way is this meant as a jab at medical professionals in any regard. There simply comes a point in time in which one begins to question the practices that are conducted everyday, and begins to champion their own health journey and experience.

Living a healthy life style has been a passion of my mine, even a calling if you will. The biggest motivation for me is being able to combat the health issues that make up some of my own family history. Much of that is metabolic in nature. If you’re not sure what that is, it roughly has to do with the following:

Diabetes (or pre)

High Triglycerides

High Blood Pressure

Depression and Anxiety- which I do believe can be linked to metabolic dysfunction as well.

Through out my life I’ve been on meds for each of this conditions, and at the moment i’m on a very low dose anxiety med that I’m honestly not sure works anymore. Each med has their fair share of disturbing side effects. Which is what has driven me to look for more simple, natural ways without all the damaging side effects.

This is where the natural supplement of Berberine enters the picture: Berberine is an alkaloid that is found in many different plants and is believed to be used in Chinese medicine for over three thousand years. I was first made aware of this natural supplement through the YouTube channel, high intensity health. One of the first things that stood out to me, is that it helps shrink arterial plaque in the heart. If that isn’t amazing in it’s self, it gets better.

Berberine (in many studies) has been shown to help stabilize blood sugar.

It can lower inflammation in the body, some say even better than turmeric can.

it can lower both cholesterol and Triglycerides.

Some research suggests that it can help prevent cancer.

and much- much.

I’ve personally been taking 500 mlg, twice a day for a few weeks now and can tell that there’s change happening. Certainly feeling less joint pain in my body, not having hardly any digestive issues after eating. What’s even better, is that it can act as a natural anti-biotic. Normally around this time of year, I’m personal prone to allergies and sinus infections. With taking berberine and proper sleep, the sinus pressure has gone down immensely.

My goal is to take berberine for a month process and go get my numbers checked. Though I’m still in the beginning process of seeing what more can happen, I certainly wanted to let you guys know as well.

The Darkest Part of CP, For Me Anyway

Last month was cerebral palsy awareness month, and typically my goal in that month is to encourage others like myself to get after their lives. Chase their dreams, better their health overall and to not let the world or cerebral palsy tell them who they can and cannot be. For the most part that is my motivation and how my mindset is most days. What is often not mentioned is how much living with cerebral palsy absolutely sucks!

And as someone who is “getting older” in life, there is certainly more evidence of both joint pain and spasms increasing in severity. Add to that the reality of people who have CP are prone to depression and anxiety as well, which in my opinion can also get worse as one progresses through life. For the most part, for me life is quite good. Yet, there are days and moments in my life that can be quite downcast and sorrowful.

            Which I’m sure that some might be shocked by that because I’m normally smiling and look as though I have “everything going for me” according to some. You can have everything in the world and still, life will attack you with suffering of various kinds no matter who you are. No one is immune to suffering or tragedy. The sooner we as humans realize such a reality, the sooner empathy and compassion can come alive in greater ways, when it comes to my personal living with CP. The hardest part of living with it, is feeling unseen in the world.

Feeling as though all people see is my disability, and what can’t be done in my body. It always seems that the abled bodied or more talented person is chosen over me. No matter what accomplishments have compiled or what is on my resume. When I was working a normal job, no matter the dedication shown and the ability to grow and adapt. I simply didn’t make the cut. This same feeling has crossed over into me a personal trainer, martial arts instructor, writer and more. From the outside in, it appears as though that from the abled bodied perspective people might think “yeah, you’ve helped people and you’re talented, but the fact of the matter is, because you cannot function as an abled bodied person were going to have to pass on you.”

Now, no one has ever told me this personally, but it certainly feels or seems this way at times. Which then to heavy amounts of fear that I’ll never be able to reach my goals in life, while doubting that I possess the ability and talent to even do so.  Moments such as these can turn into severe depression, that makes me want to lay in bed all day. For the vast majority of time though, the pain is stuffed somewhere inside me, and life is carried on with.

            Trust me, I’m not attempting to make others feel sorry for me or throw a pity party. Rather the world needs to see and understand, or at best try and see how a person like myself or myself might feel at certain moments in life.  I certainly wish that there weren’t days where it didn’t feel forgotten, looked down upon or incapable. The saddest reality is that some people will never see how much you or I are worth, and what we can offer to the world.

What then are we left to do?

I know that I’ve shared a heavy reality, however what we must all understand is that life is not always positive and hopeful. Rather life can bring about the darkest of conditions and seasons. It is up to us, amid that to find hope during such circumstances. For me, everything begins and ends with my walk with God. He tells us to cast our cares upon him, because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

He is the reason that there is hope inside me to begin with, my faith provides me the courage to keep going, yet God is the one feeling me with strength and not my own. Additionally, as much as our minds might lie to us and bring us down at times. We are not less than because of a disability, we are not incapable, and we do have gifts and talents to offer the world. Even if others are too stubborn to see it. Lastly, and from my perspective, the times when we grow the most tired, discouraged, depressed, anxiety ridden etc. Those are the times when we might need to rest and re-examine. Talk to someone, a friend or therapist, pray, journal, or spend some time outside.

            The kicker is this, after we rest, we don’t stay down… We get up and we keep going, we show the liar in our brains and people that may not see our worth or significant, that we’re still here and we aren’t going anywhere.  If you have things inside you that you want to accomplish, guess what? You still have work to do, and if you aren’t sure what your purposes or gifts are in this life, start the process of finding that out because believe it or not, the world needs your talents and gifts even if it’s on small scales. You can make a difference,     

 

Three Supplements Everyone Should Take!

As someone who has been in the health and fitness world, for quite awhile now, supplements are often recommended to clients. Primarily to those who are on very fixed incomes and live with a disability of some kind. While it is true that, we as humans should be getting most of our daily nutrients from food. For some people it’s very difficult to be eating as clean as we should be.

However, if there were three supplements that (I believe) everyone should be taking, are as follows:

NAC (N-Acetylcysteine)

There are a host of reasons that everyone should be taking this, but i’ll mention a few. The biggest reason that people should be taking it, is in light of certain viruses in the world. Especially those that impact the lungs in such a profound way, NAC helps expel mucus from the lungs much easier. Even those with asthma.

Beyond that NAC has the ability to improve cognitive function, reduce inflammation in the body and it can boost immunity as well.

Magnesium (preferably a complex)

The biggest benefits of Magnesium, is that it has been shown to lesson the chances of a person having type 2 Diabetes by helping regulate blood sugar. It has also been show to reduce ones risk of cardiovascular disease, furthermore it can be shown to help those with anxiety or depression, as it can help calm the mind and nervous symptom. Not to mention improve daily sleep.

Vitamin D 3 and K2

The last supplement that I suggest that people is a combo of vitamin D3 and k2, this combo has been shown to further aid humans in better heart health. In that it helps calcium is better absorbed in the bones and doesn’t calcifi. The combo can also further help strengthen the bones of the body and even improve muscle function.

Lastly, you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg on these 3 supplements.

For NAC, check out Deal Supplements

For Magnesium complex, check out wild food co

Vitamin D3 and K2, check out Deal Supplements.

In love and health,

The CP Health Nut

Guess What!?

I am now a certified keto health coach!

Now, this is a certification for a long time. The problem is most keto certs online are thousands of dollars, if not more. So, as one might be able to guess, this wasn’t something that I was able to do. That is until this Keto Health Coach cert on Udemy, this course was much-much cheaper and has over 90 lessons and is very in depth in my estimation.

This creates a freedom of sorts inside me, in that I can now coach and help others in a frame work that aligns with my convictions. Coming from a traditional PT and personal trainer background (still certified for a few more years) literally it is a very carb based outlook.

I’m not saying that Carbs are always wrong or evil, more so that our society is deeply addicted to the wrongs kids. Which can add to the destruction of our health. Further more, it is my belief that a ketogenic diet is great for those with auto immune disorders, metabolic issues, chronic pain and much more. Simply by cutting out the processed junk, we improve as humans.

Regarding the Keto, I tend to believe that a higher protein version is the best way, similar to the Atkins approach. Especially if you are one with a high metabolism or even an athlete. Higher protein will help kick the desire for crappier foods to the curb. All this to say, I’m excited to develop a new coaching venture! And if anyone needs help or have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out!

Simple Practices For a Healthier Life

The following are simple practices that I’ve incorporated in my life, they have made my life healthier. They may work for you, this is not to taken as medical doctor before executing.

Exercise: 30 -40 minutes a week, cardio, rowing, walking, running sprinting etc. Strengthen your muscle, you need nothing fancy, just your own body weight and resistance bands.

Water and sea salt- this is great for hydration and far cheaper than most hydration supplements.

Cold water exposure- start out with 30 seconds everyday and gradually increase, this will help burn fat, lower BP, ease depression, inflammation and more.

Nasal breath- this will increase the level of nitric oxide in your body, snoring will decrease and sleep better. 10-20 deep breaths a day.

Eat more protein- it will keep you fuller, boost cognition and keep you strong

Cut out the processed sugar- this means cutting out those sweets! And more protein will fight the cravings too.

Processed carbs, sweets, various deserts etc, the occasional treat is fine, but as I’ve found this helps in the fight for better metabolic health.

Greens- if your body/ stomach can handle them, the darker greens are filled with potassium and magnesium as well. A Greens powder can suffice as well.

Fruits- low in sugar berries of various kinds, love me some berries

Fasting-12-16 hours a few times a week, this will aid in helping repair gut imbalance, help the body recycle its-self and kill cancer cells.

Sun light- contrary to popular belief, some exposure everyday, 10-15 minutes is great for your over all mood.

Go to bed around the same time every night, try for 6-8 hours a night. Limit screen activity a few hours before bed. The darker the better.

Limit caffeine- 1-2 cups a day of coffee or tea, my personal choice has been green tea, and lemon balm tea, both help decrease anxiety, BP, cortisol and even help burn fat.

Read a book! – 30-40 minutes a day, reading helps us see a new perspective, and exercises the brain.

Lessons From My Favorite Prayer

The serenity prayer is one of my favorite prayers to recite,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The prayer is simple, but one that is always there in time of need. It also can be one that serves and comforts you. The first step is the acknowledgement of God, and our need for his mercy and help. One might stumble over the reality of a higher power existing, regardless of how one believes or feels.

There will be times in life (for all of us) when we feel powerless over our circumstances, and we will most certainly seek help outside of ourselves. Even if it is from another person or group of people. In these times, we seek out hope, wisdom, truth and even serenity. It points further to the reality that as humans, we were never meant to walk alone. Hold onto this given inclination, it might point you to the greatest truth ever discovered or even your destiny might be revealed.

Things we cannot change

All of us in life are surrounded by things we cannot change, for example, one could wake up in a perfectly good mood and ready to take on the day. Despite that, however, there might be the furthest from how you woke up. In fact, if you or I are not in control of faculties, we can find ourselves absorbing their very own mood. This is written from both experience and repeated failure. There are times in life where it is easier to deal with the world around me, and others where nothing but chaos surrounds. Anxiety pounces, and depression finds a way to mix itself in.

A few things that have aided me in this, beyond saying this prayer, is slow breathing through the nose and out the mouth: Breathing in 5 seconds slow and exhaling 5 seconds slowly. Repeat this for 2-5 minutes daily. The second practice is knowing that you cannot control how people act or what they decide to do. If on the other hand, were the cause of another’s problems, then take ownership of it as much as you can. Make the amends that are needing, with the understanding that is up to them how they respond. Thirdly, pray, even if you have never prayed before. There have been times, when alone that my prayers have been screams and laments. Though, I am not proud of the fact, none the less God’s spirit has always comforted me.

The Things We Can Change

Most often the things we can change, are the same things we refuse to do. Our hearts have a God ordained way of letting us know what’s wrong and what requires fixing. Yet, we knowingly suppress the truth of what we should do. For instance, we might believe that it is time to embark on the path of our own destiny. And yet, we don’t because we’re afraid of the judgement or attitudes of others. What we are meant to do, will continually rise to the surface until we do what must be done. We might not be able to control what happens around us and to us, but we can change how we respond to them. It takes a lot of time, and grace but it is a skill set that can be improved upon.

Its also something that you will fail at, a lot, rather learn to get back up quickly and stay on course. We can change quite a lot about ourselves, we only must be able to put in the work daily. We can learn self-control, to eat better, we can shed weight or body fat, we can improve the relationship around us, we can make the environments around us look and feel better. There is so much more that can added to the list, if only we let the discover the dreams and visions that God has placed inside of us, then we will find a mode of being and a true reason to live.

Depression and The Power of Words

There are many forms of suffering in the world, but one of the world’s most silent of killers is depression. Depression at times can be unnoticeable, either because we as people don’t know what to look for or the person that is suffering becomes so good at hiding it, they seem fine altogether. Depression can often feel like a sinking feeling or wearing a weighted vest that only brings you deeper below the surface.

Depression while giving a person a sinking feeling, can also be very hard to talk about. One, because it can be hard to find a person that will listen to you, two, people feel as though they constantly must fix things, so often quick platitudes are given and 3) a hyper form of positive thinking is prescribed: “Just think positive and you’ll feel better!” Or faith-based crowds will say to pray away the pain.

Now, how we think or rather how we feed our minds does matter, and I’ll get to that in a bit. But first I’d like to speak to the quiet agony that depression can have on a person. Depression can be an unseen battle in the mind, you might not ever see it, but someone close to you can truly be getting their asses kicked mentally.

Largely what this can look like, is feeling as though no one cares about you, or that you’re a no good, untalented fairly that will never amount to anything. Much worse believing the lie that this world would be better off with you. Truthfully, this is a battle that I wouldn’t want anyone to live.

I myself have lived with this battle for 37 years, my depression is not bad year-round, though it totally seems that way. All the thoughts mentioned above are things that I’ve grappled with you. Therefore, I truly believe that depression is a spiritual war, because even if one does not believe in God or a higher power, when you go to therapy, you are primarily going there to combat the lies inside your mind.

Essentially as your counselor uses cognitive behavior therapy, their aim is to change how you think about yourself, and the rest of your future. In that the words that they say to you, have the power to change your thinking. This is why words are so powerful. Knowing this truth, changes how we speak to others and ourselves. Be mindful of how you speak to people on a daily, we humans are quite imperfect at times, but that should be a motivation to be mindful with our speech. I truly am convinced that we should spend more time building others up, encouraging, inspiring and serving others. As opposed to letting our mouths run wild and careless. Even apologizing for things, we didn’t mean or didn’t say exactly as we should.

Lastly, learn to counteract the lies and statements that pop into your mind ever so randomly. If your mind tells you that you’ll never amount to anything, remind your brain of the things you have accomplished. As with ever lie in the mind, learn to take hold of it and replace it with truth.

This might not seem like it works in the moment, or even every single time. But the more you reinforce your mind, the easier it is to fight. And on the days that really are difficult, know that they storm will eventually lift.

Depression and Stubborn Hope

I’m going to try and express what living with depression feels like, and the battle that wages violently in my mind. I have long wanted to open my chest up and share the grappling match that takes place from within. My aim here is not sympathy, but rather to be candid not only for my own personal reasons but to help others as well. As that has always been my biggest goal in this life. Many times the depression that I experience inside, is like that of what person being attacked by a group of people. Completely outnumbered, and all I can do is cover up to guard myself even a little bit from the heavy blows. Often, there is a smile on my face, but that often is a mechanism to not show what’s truly going on. I’ve been smiling my whole life, so in some ways it’s my default. I’ve learned and sadly so, not to open up because then I won’t have to deal with the responses of others. People of faith have told me (over the years) that my faith is weak if I wrestle with depression, and if I go down the spiritual check list, everything should be just peachy. Little do they know how harmful statements like that are. Or “you have a good life, what could you possibly feel depressed about?”

With that line of thinking, its okay for everyone else to have bouts with depression and despair-just not me? It only makes me want to close myself off all the more. It’s painfully lonely when you feel so stuck in life, you keep spinning your wheels and feel as though you aren’t going anywhere . Similar to being stuck at the back of the line always. Often, it feels like I’m paralyzed on the inside and can’t move. And yet, each and every day, I get out of my bed and do what I’m supposed to. The dark enemy in my mind says “you better get comfy, because this is all your life will ever be, because you’ve blown it too much to get better.” And as many times as I have attempted to drive out the dark enemy, all I want to do is curl up under and blanket and not move.

A few days ago I was listening to a man, who deeply depressed, and so to attempt to get the pain to stop. He jumped off a bridge in San Francisco, by the grace of God he survived, but what he said struck me. He said that as he was falling off the bride, he instantly regretted the choice he made. He said that many people don’t want to die, they only want the pain to stop. And you know what? He’s exactly right, I have had many dark nights of the soul, I have even spent days in a hospital, and I can attribute myself resolve to stay in the fight, to God gracing me with a stubborn hope. Anne Lamott says

““Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”


Going back to the analogy of being beat up by a group of people, after the beating, I lay there for a while. But eventually I find the strength to get back up. It reminds me when Neo fights the agent in one of the final scene, Neo is getting his ass handed to him, the agent thinks that he has completed his task at finally shutting neo down. And yet Neo gets back up again, the agent in a state of disbelief wonders what’s in Neo that helps him get back up. Why!? Why do you persist!?

I persist because in the depths of who I am, I know that there is something else on the darkness. In spite of such paralyzing heaviness. Christ has given me himself and he alone is my anchor in life. And even he got back up after the worst suffering imaginable. The other night, a friend reminded me that depression is not my true identity. That being a beloved child of God is, that is my truest self. As we walk, crawl and drag ourselves through the heaviness , know that you were never meant to carry your pain alone. You can cast all your pain upon Christ because he cares for you. I’m reminded of the line, in the foot poem “when you see only one pair of foot prints, it was then that he carried you.”

I don’t know when the pain will end- or that it will even stop. But I can tell you, that it is worth it, getting up each time you feel destroyed by life’s current. You never know what life could turn out to be.

The Power of Jiujitsu Against Depression

            My intent for this post is to get members of the jiujitsu community, to see beyond the surface of jiujitsu. Beyond the belts, the shiny gold medals and even all the latest trends. To see the people around you and how the art can truly help others cope and even heal mental illness.

It would seem as though, I’ve had a grappling match with depression most of my life. Even as a kid, I’d go from smiling to having a wave of sadness wash over me. Of course living withcerebral palsy brings it’s own battles. Knowing that you’re not like everyone else in the world. Knowing where you belong in the world is as equally daunting. Truth be told, I’ve always felt like a misfit.

As a child, I went through a handful of surgeries, each requiring months to recover, taking me out of school and away from friends is in some ways worse than the physical pain. My one saving grace as a kid was learning how to grapple. It was my escape from even knowing I had CP, it was an escape from my mind and so much more.

Learning to grapple made me feel as though, I was alive and that this could all lead to a greater purpose. I’ve been a martial arts instructor since the age of sixteen, teaching very styles, disciplines and people from all walks of life. I love the arts. But the one art I love the most is jiujitsu.

I truly believe that it can change people’s lives for the better,  students and professors have the ability to use the gift of jiujitsu to change people’s lives for the better. The way some other arts cannot. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Rickson Gracie once said that sometimes as a teacher, you are sometimes a psychologist as well. In that sometimes you have to teach others to be calm, control their emotions and transcend the challenges of their lives.

As many may know, speaking up about depression or any challenge can take a lot of courage. It’s often what we are most willing to speak about that gives us healing and hope. Most of the time, my team mates see me with a smile on my face, sometimes the smile is real, but sometimes the smile is a means to hide the pain.

I smile and don’t let anyone see the fight going on inside me. Which is daily. But once I feel my GI and belt wrap around me. I know everything will be okay. For me, I love the human contact of Jiujitsu. Which I don’t get much of. I know that either when I’m learning a new technique or rolling with friends. The pain and sadness will leave me. Then- I can breath and feel that everything is right in the world.

Jiujitsu has taught me to breath. To breathe through the heaviness  of depression and even anxiety. To move and make space even when I am feeling smothered by life. There’s always a way out of a tough position.

My hope is that members of the jiujitsu community will look deeper into jiujitsu, and see the healing properties that it possesses. It’s not about the pursuit of gold medals, the stripes on your belt or how many cool techniques you can do. It’s about the people around you. Open your eyes, pay attention to your team mates, check in with the people around you. If you know someone is struggling, and you don’t know the words. Offer them your silence, your listening ear. Keep them rolling and moving forward in the journey. Am I completely free from the weight of my own depression? No, I am not. But Jujitsu has offered a healing, and am community that I have never had. And quite frankly, it is better than any medicine a doctor could offer me.

Remember, we are a community that exists to make each other better. Jiujitsu exists, not so much for the sake of violence. But to reveal the greatness that lives inside us all.