The Disabled Man- And Manhood

I think that one aspect of manhood (that I am very passionate about) that isn’t talked about much at all. Is the reality of manhood and disability. Over the last several months I’ve seen all kinds of videos on how  to be more of an alpha male and so on. Most of these videos are geared toward abled-bodied men, who can walk, drive and have a very different set of life circumstances than a man with cerebral palsy. Now, this is difficult for me to write, because I confess that I’m not where I want to be in life. I’m thirty-five, almost  thirty-six and I still live in my parents’ house, don’t drive  and don’t work your typical job. As I’ve spent the last several lives trying to live the entrepreneur life, and for the most part I’ve done well for myself. There’s just these two areas of my life, that I have yet to break through in. Sometimes though, this makes me feel like less of a man or less than I could be. Even though, functionally speaking I have a ton to offer. It can be difficult though, simply because some people can’t see past the physical circumstances of ones life. The last woman I dated I can remember her being a bit hesitant early on, because she thought about what it would be like eventually introducing me to her friends. Which really sucks that that is even a reality, but I have to think, how many other men like me are there in the world that feel as I do. Who can sometimes feel like less of a man because they are physically different or have different life circumstances? It’s very numbing to the mind and heart. What happens then, is we stop taking chances in life because of the thoughtful reality that we might never find the physical acceptance that we desire.

What I’ve come to realize though, is that I-we- you still have divine worth regardless of whether or not a person accepts us for who we are or not. And its hardly a reflection on us as it is the other person. Simply because one is not where they want to be either, doesn’t mean that you won’t get there either. It may take someone a longer period of time, but it is still possible. Some people in life are late bloomers, but they still bloom. And I think that is something that needs to be more appreciated in life.   And I think that’s largely because our society wants everything right now.

Growing up my father raised me in the martial arts, which only helped me become a masculine man and warrior. He let me fall, get bumps and bruises. He always told me to stick out my chest when I stood up. And I think that that’s what I want for others like myself, to be strong in every way. Some  may not be able to physically fight like I can. But they can learn to protect their minds and hearts of those they love. I believe that regardless of whether a man is in wheel chair, he should be healthy and fit in as much as he can. Along with cleaning up the nutrition portion of life. I think a man should know how to control his thoughts and emotions. I think a man, should rid himself of the victim mentality. Also, men should learn to control their own lusts-in more ways than one. I think that men need to figure out who they are, what they do and do not want in life. I want to teach men like me to be strong and courageous, even in spite of having different abilities and life circumstances than the next guy. Disabled men truly need this, because lets face it too much life has passed and I haven’t seen anything done about this silent crisis. I believe I’m just the guy to do it.       

Day 2: Fighting Back

Well, yesterday was a failure and victory all at the same time. While I fell again, I did not beat myself up in the process. Instead I repented and asked for forgiveness and fixed my eyes on the Lord. This was truly a victory for me, because I would wallow in my shame, regret and sorrow.

A friend of mine is going to be setting a password on my computer with a program called K-9. Which is anti porn software. I’ve tried XXX Church’s program, but I find it complicated and not worth the seven bucks a month. Anti-porn software is a start, but the real work lies in dealing with the triggers that make a person crave whatever they’re addicted to.

For example, if you fear the future or worry about not having enough money. It can then seem logical to run to what “soothes” us the the most. But it’s not really soothing when they bring us momentary fixes. Only the presence of God and his mercy can give us the freedom we desire.

Two ideas that come mind: When it comes to fighting addiction, we need to approach it with speed and violence of action. That doesn’t mean we harm ourselves, but that we do what it takes to bring our addiction and destructive habits into submission.

The second idea is, I’ve been listening to a song called “beautiful things” by Gungor, I must confess that it s still very hard to see myself as a beautiful thing, because I mess up so much. It’s hard to see myself as God see’s me. My prayer for this year, is that I (and others) would see and believe this beautiful reality.fighting_back

 

 

 

Day 1: Fighting Back

I have decided to start posting each day that my eyes and mind don’t consume porn. I’m doing this in spite of fear, ridicule and rejection. No matter how people view me or what they think. I’ve made it 90 days before and with God’s help I’ll do it again. That being said, here we go.

Day 1

I’m wrestling with the idea of this is an actual addiction, or simply a dirty habit. After all, it’s not really interfering with my life in massive ways. But man, does my mind and body crave it.The temptation comes between early mornings and when I know i’ll be alone for awhile.

The truth is, I know I’m far better than this. Better, meaning that I am not better than anyone else, but better in the sense that I am better than this addiction, vice, habit whatever we want to call this thing.  Regardless I don’t want this thing to interfere in my life down the road. I honestly believe that real freedom is possible.

Even though my insides scream other wise, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, I could think of every justification. But that is rubbish, it’s all filth. It’s time to clinch these fists and fight.images