Hope in the face of the “Impossible” Dream

Have you ever had a dream inside you, that you wanted to come true so bad? Yet no how much you pray, try to improve yourself so that the dream can happen, it actually doesn’t.. This is exactly what I have been grappling a lot with lately with God.

One of the biggest dreams of my life, is to one day meet an awesome woman and be a husband and father. And yet at 36 (nearly 37) it doesn’t look like the father part is going to happen, at least in the organic sense of the word.

Sure in this world, I could meet someone, have a small ceremony and consider adopting. However, the desire wouldn’t simply go away. And with each year that passes in my life. The bigger the desire gets. At this stage in my life though, the reality of having children the organic way seems highly unlikely.

This probably is not helping my cause much, however I’ve read a lot about the reality that fertility rates for men these days are horrible. Even in men within my age bracket. That’s pretty terrifying if I may say so myself. Which has caused me to be hyper aware of everything I’m doing, should the reality even come close to happening.

Honestly, there’s a part of me that wishes that could maybe go back and be a few years younger. Maybe make a few better choices in life and maybe have a better shot at the dream. It grieves me to see the amount of people in society, that have chosen not to bring kids into the world. I understand why, largely because our world is a different place and it’s rougher to live in.

However, in my personal opinion, I believe that being a husband and father would such an amazing blessing. Easy? Hell no, and this is the other part that is equally perplexing for me. Is that there are people in my life telling me to do the opposite of what my heart longs.

To not get married

To not have kids

and to simply accept that the kind of woman that I’d like to find. Isn’t real.

You know what I say to all of that? Those are the experiences of other people- and not my own. Ok, yes I understand that the reality that I’m hoping for is not an easy one. It never is, but here’s the deal also. When you have have have your own shit under control, it doesn’t have to be that bad. I’m speaking more in the emotional/mental and spiritual sense.

All too often I see people go into a relationship or marriage and drag their pain and experiences right into it. Unchecked. And that’s the problem, and some people just don’t realize how broken they actual are until years into the journey. If ever..

In life we can unknowingly dump our experiences and conceived notions on people, without thinking about it. Thinking that our perspective is the next best thing to the gospel of Christ. It’s not.

I also realize that as a Christian, there lies inside me the greatest hope of all the world. Not simply in only the eternity sense. Though that is highly important and utterly amazing. But also that God is a God of miracle’s. Do those always happen? Nope they don’t, but what would it say about having faith, if my faith wasn’t actually in the one person that conquered the world for me?

God told Abraham that he would have a son, and while his wife chuckled at the idea.. He didn’t shrink in faith. Zechariah and his wife had son… Even when they thought they would never have one. He and his wife even dated. But it happened for them.

See the theme here? Hope- hope against all odds. Once again, does this then mean that my wildest dreams will come true? No, but as long as air is still flowing through my body. My hope will be in God. For my hope and confidence is not even in myself but in him.

Another blogger that I frequent, who just so happens to be an orthodox Christian. He says that “only God can bring you a wife.” It might seem silly to many, even though I’m a big advocate for self improvement and being the best version of ourselves possible. It’s all up to the king. And while it is all up to the king, I will by his grace walk with him through out the peaks an valleys.

I hope give up on hope. I won’t give up on the dream.

Woman jump over canyon

Its Ok To Be Alone

Todays message is simple.

Its okay to be alone.

I’m not going to die because I’m single at 35 still.

Neither are you.

Its okay.

Learn to be okay, just to be with you and your thoughts.

Figure out who you are.

Love yourself: in the sense that you can be happy within yourself and not constantly need someone to validate you.

It’s not wrong for someone to add to your journey, but it was a never another souls job to save you from yourself.

Be alone.

Get to know yourself,

Be satisfied with you.

Be at peace with the past

and dare to dream of a brighter future.

The Inner Struggle of A Martial Arts Instructor

Martial arts has been a huge part of my life for nearly thirty-two years, I’ve always been a student and gleaned from what other systems had to offer. I’ve gotten to train and earn certifications of instructorship for some of Bruce Lee’s original students. I’ll always be a student of the game.

I have also loved being able to teach others, and see a joy appear their faces from being able to learn a new skill or do something they never thought they could do before with their bodies. Being a teacher has given me a great sense of accomplishment and a sense of purpose.

Throughout my teaching journey, however, I have seen students come and come. I’m sure that this is most common among many schools and instructors. What burdens my heart though is that I can never keep me anyone around. I have gone from having almost twenty students in my college self-defense class to only three or four. Watching the flux of students from a close vantage point has caused me to look inward.

Am I doing something wrong?

What could I be doing better?

Is there something in me that people don’t like?

Or the tougher question: Am I meant to be an instructor?

All of these questions have moved through the landscape of my emotions. I have envisioned my owning my own school someday, but if I can’t even keep one student what good is it? I’d hate to close down a school because of a mass drop out rate. I honestly am starting to wonder if this passion inside me is the worth the risk.

Seasoned instructors would tell me to keep pushing forward no matter what, and knowing myself, that’s what I’ll do. I just don’t know when things will start looking up and stay steady for once.



A Confession of a CrossFitter

“I Have a Dream”

Four very powerful words spoken by Dr. Martin Luther. Ralph Waldo Emerson also once said ““Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.”

I believe that people in our society have had the ability to dream stripped from their hands, and it’s not necessarily our own fault. When we look at our current reality daily living is getting more and more expensive and a lot of us have to simply face facts. Some have even laid aside their own dreams, some for good reason, be it a wife and kids. They come first.

As a college student, majoring in Psychology (primarily substance abuse), the mind is something that I love, There is a real love for getting to simply sit and listen to ones story, while walking with them on their journey toward recovery. Were all addicts, as I like to say.

While that passion stays, two more have grown stronger. I’ve always had a real love for fitness, I’ve been into strength training for a long time, largely due to my dad buying me my first set of dumb bells. Over the past year I have fallen head over heels with CrossFit, it’s changed  my life and body in so many ways, and there are so many adaptive athletes popping up all over the place. Each person driving themselves to the max and beyond. I used to take muscle relaxers to help deal with pain and fall asleep, now I only do that if the pain is extremely bad.

I’m eating far more cleaner and have gained lots of healthy weight, each week I look forward to working with my coach, she pushes me each and every week and I leave more enthralled with what my body can do. There are rumors circulating that the Reebok CrossFit games will create a adaptive division, the joy that this brings me is almost unspeakable. I never thought I’d day this, but I want to make this dream a reality. I know I’ll need to work even harder then I have before, it won’t be easy and I know it’ll take time.

I know I’ll have to finish my undergrad, work  and have to base everything around training, as well as Jiujitsu training (which I have entire other dream for all together). I know, it sounds crazy, but I believe I can truly do this. I know that it will be the most tiring season of my life. But I always believe that I am in the perfect position to do this. I’m still really young, my body is holding up well and constantly improving, plus I have a killer work ethic and the heart of a lion. Beyond taking a stab at getting to the games, I want to obtain my certifications to be a certified CrossFit coach.

There is just something about seeing ones life change through doing CrossFit, that I want to be apart of and pass on to others. Plus I would like to think that all my psychology training could fit into all of this some how.

So here is to chasing a dream