Tag: Disability

SSI and Shame

I can remember the day my mom started the process, of applying for SSI for me over the phone. At the time, it didn’t occur to me that a monthly amount of money would be given to me, simply because of having cerebral palsy. “Cool!” I thought, the interesting thing is, however, is when I realized that I’d need to appear in front of a doctor to prove that cerebral palsy was not a made up reality in my life. So, my parents took me to see a local doctor, and it was as though the doctor took one look at me and said “yep, he has cerebral palsy”.

Don’t get me wrong, I was well aware that people take advantage of the system. It only seemed odd to me because I knew that in my heart the truth was being told. Before I knew it my first monthly check was in the mail and shortly after that, then came my very own bank account.

This was a really cool reality to me, because that meant that I could buy my own clothes, food etc. It was cool to have my own money and start learning how to be responsible with money. Yet, now being an adult who gets SSI. There is all too often a battle with shame over the reality. On one hand, I see that that money given each month is a blessing from God, that I and others should be wise with.

On the other hand, I have been met with a great deal of heat and push back, both from others like myself and even abled-bodied individuals. Both sides say with great passion “don’t you want more for your life!” The obvious answer is, yes of course, any person in a healthy frame of mind would want more for their lives. Sometimes society can be an extremely judgmental place, and to add to that, some simply cannot understand that some of lives simply haven’t turned out as planned.

Due to my startle reflex, it’s not safe for me to drive and so working your typical job is a challenge. And where I live, transportation services are pretty much nonexistent. As I result, I still try and make the most of the life that God has given me. Most of my time is spent as being an online personal trainer and nutrition coach online. Working with others like myself, beyond that I write books and blogs.
And you know what? I still don’t make enough money to get off SSI… But I know that deep down I’m doing the best that I possibly can. And I’m not giving up hope either. When the shame shows up, it can quickly turn into a heavy depression. Then defeating statements are whispered into my mind:

“No real woman would want you like this.”

“You’ll never measure up.”

“your life will never change.”

These are just some of the lies that hit me at times, and one of the main ways that I combat the shame. Is by remembering where my worth and value come from. And for that all stems in my faith in God. He says who I am. My worth in him and to him, is not based upon how much money is in my bank account. Or even how much that I accomplish in my life. If people cannot see your value as a human being, that has a lot more to do with them than it does you. It may be hard to believe in the moment, but it is true none-the-less. As I also mentioned above, do not give up hope, keep striving! Set goals, and as Jordan Peterson says “take aim at something”. Start small and work your way up to bigger things.
You may not be where you’d like to be in life, and that’s ok. You just keep pressing on toward the goal. Whatever that is for you. Will the battle with shame completely go away? Probably not, in fact there will be days when we feel completely defeated. But as long as there’s still breath in our lungs. There’s still room to fight.

Hope in the face of the “Impossible” Dream

Have you ever had a dream inside you, that you wanted to come true so bad? Yet no how much you pray, try to improve yourself so that the dream can happen, it actually doesn’t.. This is exactly what I have been grappling a lot with lately with God.

One of the biggest dreams of my life, is to one day meet an awesome woman and be a husband and father. And yet at 36 (nearly 37) it doesn’t look like the father part is going to happen, at least in the organic sense of the word.

Sure in this world, I could meet someone, have a small ceremony and consider adopting. However, the desire wouldn’t simply go away. And with each year that passes in my life. The bigger the desire gets. At this stage in my life though, the reality of having children the organic way seems highly unlikely.

This probably is not helping my cause much, however I’ve read a lot about the reality that fertility rates for men these days are horrible. Even in men within my age bracket. That’s pretty terrifying if I may say so myself. Which has caused me to be hyper aware of everything I’m doing, should the reality even come close to happening.

Honestly, there’s a part of me that wishes that could maybe go back and be a few years younger. Maybe make a few better choices in life and maybe have a better shot at the dream. It grieves me to see the amount of people in society, that have chosen not to bring kids into the world. I understand why, largely because our world is a different place and it’s rougher to live in.

However, in my personal opinion, I believe that being a husband and father would such an amazing blessing. Easy? Hell no, and this is the other part that is equally perplexing for me. Is that there are people in my life telling me to do the opposite of what my heart longs.

To not get married

To not have kids

and to simply accept that the kind of woman that I’d like to find. Isn’t real.

You know what I say to all of that? Those are the experiences of other people- and not my own. Ok, yes I understand that the reality that I’m hoping for is not an easy one. It never is, but here’s the deal also. When you have have have your own shit under control, it doesn’t have to be that bad. I’m speaking more in the emotional/mental and spiritual sense.

All too often I see people go into a relationship or marriage and drag their pain and experiences right into it. Unchecked. And that’s the problem, and some people just don’t realize how broken they actual are until years into the journey. If ever..

In life we can unknowingly dump our experiences and conceived notions on people, without thinking about it. Thinking that our perspective is the next best thing to the gospel of Christ. It’s not.

I also realize that as a Christian, there lies inside me the greatest hope of all the world. Not simply in only the eternity sense. Though that is highly important and utterly amazing. But also that God is a God of miracle’s. Do those always happen? Nope they don’t, but what would it say about having faith, if my faith wasn’t actually in the one person that conquered the world for me?

God told Abraham that he would have a son, and while his wife chuckled at the idea.. He didn’t shrink in faith. Zechariah and his wife had son… Even when they thought they would never have one. He and his wife even dated. But it happened for them.

See the theme here? Hope- hope against all odds. Once again, does this then mean that my wildest dreams will come true? No, but as long as air is still flowing through my body. My hope will be in God. For my hope and confidence is not even in myself but in him.

Another blogger that I frequent, who just so happens to be an orthodox Christian. He says that “only God can bring you a wife.” It might seem silly to many, even though I’m a big advocate for self improvement and being the best version of ourselves possible. It’s all up to the king. And while it is all up to the king, I will by his grace walk with him through out the peaks an valleys.

I hope give up on hope. I won’t give up on the dream.

Woman jump over canyon

How To Be A High Value Person: With a Disability

Lately I’ve been thinking about what it means, to be a person of “high value”, as it also relates to be a person with a disability. The term “high value” truly comes down to how you see and treat yourself. In truth, being assertive is something that has been a challenge for me my whole life. Sometimes the fear of speaking up about my belief on a given topic, causes me to fear the consequences. Either by offending someone or being viewed a certain way. Even in living with cerebral palsy, asking for things is tough because one does not want to feel like a burden. Maybe for you, it’s that and also how you see yourself. Perhaps you don’t take care of yourself as much, because on the inside you do not feel as though you are worth someone caring about. Whatever that may be, for any of us, here is a short list of things to become a person of a higher value.

One: you already are a person of high value because God has placed his image upon you. Which is the greatest blessing to ever be bestowed on human life.
Two: Take care of yourself, physically speaking: exercise in the way that you can, eat good foods that serve your body and not destroy it. And to a certain extent, present yourself with a good image.
Three: know your personal boundaries and do not allow to be crossed- by anyone.
Four: Guard your mind and heart, learn not to be over ran and dominated by every single though or emotion.
Five: Master your temptations, whatever they may be.

Disability and Masculinity

What do you think of when it comes to words such as masculine or masculine man? For some, it might be a man who is confident, strong in body and mind, can fix things in the home and on a car. And has the ability to fend off a violent attacker. This can be seen as the traditional man/ alpha male. For others a man might be more quiet and introspective, more in touch with their emotions and artistic and quite the opposite of the traditional-alpha male. In modern times, there is a war going on between the two stances. But do we ever stop and ponder, what manhood or masculinity looks like, in light of disabled men? This is a question that I’ve been wrestling with for quite some time now, both societally and religiously for the church. Now to be fair, there are those with cerebral palsy, who are healthy and active, can take care of themselves for the most part. The biggest obstacle for me then is the issue of driving, due to my startle reflex is not something I’ve overcome yet, the difficult part of the equation is it hinders me socially. And things such as uber can be pricey after a while. Forgetting about myself, I often think about the men in the world, who aren’t able to be as active as myself, have to depend a lot on the care of others, spend a lot of time at home and very rarely get out of their homes.

            Are they still not real men? Of course they are! These are men that are made in the image of God, and have immense value, dignity and purpose. The problem that I believe that these men, can very well be over looked by society and even the Church. While I do not believe that there is anything overtly malicious causing this, it grieves me non the less and I’m deeply convicted and convinced that this is an issue to brought to light and dealt with. Furthermore, if this issue grieves my soul, how must God feel about it? I believe that it grieves his heart, much more than it does mine. Most of the time, when pastors are talking about Godly men leading their families, more often than not they are speaking to able abled-bodied men. Teaching them to lead confidently and boldly, to provide for their families and pursuing the calling that God has placed on their lives. This is not wrong, and I affirm this absolutely. Yet very rarely do pastors think about what leading a family or pursing a God given calling might look life, if a men isn’t able to provide for his family, as he would desire in a physical sense. Have pastors ever really paused to consider the shame that this might leave in the soul of a man?

Everyday I talk to various men with different severities of disability, and each story echoes. Men of various ages and walks of life. Feeling that their lives are completely pointless, due to the context of their lives and being stuck at home more often than not. Moreover, they even endure the thought process of feeling worthy of love, be it by God himself or even a woman. In my daily conversations with men like myself, I make it a point to apply lessons that I have had to learn the hard way over the last few years of my life, that lead to a sense of masculinity in their own right. Though I still am in a similar context myself. The first element that I try to instill in my daily conversations with disabled men, is where their self of self and identity resides. Yes this is crucial in all men, but it is all the more important in the lives of some disabled men. It’s so important that disabled find and even lose themselves in the identity that God graciously bestows upon them. Whether they believe it or not. If not, disabled men will continually be stuck in the thought process of feeling like a burden to society and even their families. The next crucial element, after establishing a Christ centered identity is tapping into some sort of God giving calling. Whatever that may be, as I stated in the beginning, some men are more home bound, and have to depend a lot on the care of others and can’t really “work” in the sense that the world would like.

            So, we have to establish of purpose and mission even if it’s glorifying God every day. There’s more that can be added. But I’d like to end with these thoughts, is it frustrating that the church doesn’t speak to the reality of masculinity among disabled members of their congregations, very little/if any? Yes- it is, it is also sad to see that very few churches have ministries dedicated to even families with special needs children. However, rather than being stuck in the downward spiral of complaining, I have accepted the calling that I believe that God has placed inside me. Even if it’s not seen as significant in the worlds eyes. It’s my goal to write one of the first books on the matter, because no longer can these men go forgotten. 

                             

The Tug-Of War With CP

Living with cerebral palsy will now be, for me defined as a tug-of- war. What is meant by that, you ask?  On one hand, many times there is a peace inside me in regards to living with it. There isn’t so much the hatred of self that once was there. Having once despised myself and the God that gave my very breath to me. Now in my mid- thirties, most days there is honestly a love for having cerebral palsy. Why? Because this was one of the missions that God gave me, there’s avenues to relate to others like myself and not like myself. There’s avenues to relate to suffering and hardship. There’s avenues to completely blow people’s minds, with what my body can do physically, but also with the intelligence and other gifts that were endowed to me also. That’s most days for me, when I’m happy, content and smiling. And yet, it’s not in me to lie- some moments and days the hatred comes back.

When the ominous thoughts slip in the back door of my mind and say:

Hey! Its us… Those annoying voices in your head!

Were just hear to remind you what a failure you’re.

You got a dramatically late start in life and you suck because of it!

            No this is not me trying to add more drama than there needs to be, this is truly what it feels like on the inside. Yes, I’m 36 and still in my parents’ house, yes there’s plans to move out and be on my own. Thanks to Covid though, that got put on the back burner. But I’d be lying to you if there wasn’t an intense frustration. As though to think, that if maybe if there were a few different choices made, maybe my life would have taken a different direction? I’m not a hundred percent sure.

Within the current context, I’ve managed to author multiple books, become an online personal trainer/nutrition coach and even teach self -defense classes multiple times a week. Am I happy with that? Yes, I’ve even improved a lot with money, but again, there’s that voice inside me that says it’s still not good enough. That, there needs to be more and more and more. One of the biggest desires of my heart, is to meet a lovely woman, get married and have a family of my own. However, that same voice that reminds me that it’s never enough even says to me that no woman  will ever want me because of XY or Z. It sucks to feel that way, it’s like a dagger that resides in my chest. And yet, it’s not as though there is no value in myself or that there is nothing that I have to offer. That’s hugely not true- the reality is, those thoughts still find themselves making space in my life. And maybe it’s like that for you too? The two realities that help me fight on, is that God is in absolute control of my life and nothing happens without his divine say so.

            The other is knowing that there is immense value and worth inside me, regardless of whether or not others see it or not. That’s a powerful truth to know. It means that we don’t have to conduct our lives based solely on how others see or believe about us. That used to be me, and it was a miserable place to be. That also isn’t to say, that we shouldn’t care at all, what people think. We are social creatures, yet we must pick and choose who’s opinion we listen to and who speaks into our lives.  The point is, we need to value ourselves and we need to hold our heads high.

Lastly, each person is on there own path in life and it doesn’t matter who gets where and when. But that we learn, grow and have the courage to embark on where we think we are being led along the way.             

A Letter To A Fellow Warrior

The following post, is a letter that I wrote to a dear friend of mine, who also has cerebral palsy. Though much worse than myself. Like a lot of men with CP, he feels alone and wrestles with the desires. The point behind this letter, was to remind me of who he was, despite the circumstances that he found himself in:

Brother,
Thank you for your message, it truly meant a lot to me, in a few ways. In one regard, your struggles are my struggles. Not being able to leave the house much, work, feeling alone. Those are all things that my heart connects with as well. And as mentioned to you before, the battle is sometimes hourly and daily. I connect tell you how many times the thought has surfaced in my mind:
Is any woman ever going to love me for me? I know that questions must echo loudly in your mind, as it does many others with cerebral palsy and other disabilities, regardless of gender. Now, myself having only dated a few women, sometimes things just aren’t what we think their meant to be. I’m in no way trying to give you a platitude, it’s just a cold hard reality of life that we men need to learn to accept. With every interest or relationship, the question speaks out from my inner life: is this person the one that’s going to stay? And when I say stay, it’s the until death do us part way.
The great CS Lewis, was only married to his wife for a short time, before losing his beloved wife to illness. The very death of his wife, appeared that there was enough weight behind it to crush the very soul of Lewis. Think about that for a bit, he must have felt intense despair, and felt utterly alone in the universe. He very well might have had so heated conversations with God himself. I say all this, to share with you, that no matter how long a woman or even dog is with us, they were never meant to complete. Never. And shame on us humans to even believe that another person might actually make us whole.
I’ve known you awhile my friend, and I know you are a good man with an amazing heart. A man that actual has purpose, talent and immense value. The question is my brother, do you know that in yourself? Do you know what the creator of the cosmos thinks and believes of you? Do you know how madly he loves you? Do you know that he calls you friend and beloved? These realities, though they are true for all who are in Christ. They are in (in a sense) even more important to men like us, men like us who physically can’t drive. Men, who are good hearted men, with good intentions, and would like to leave a dent in the world and because of the severity of your disability and because you a bit heavier on the care of others. It makes things all the more challenging and difficult. The average person, would rage against our situations, and yes it sucks a lot. But you and I, belong to the king of the universe first and foremost. His son Jesus, made us his own before the foundation of the world. That should matter more than anything.
The other reason your message stuck out to me, was that it reaffirmed in me another of a mission in life, and that is other men like us. There’s many like you and me, who wrestle with the same thing, who cannot readily go out and be the typical man that some women want. I feel as though, God wants me to be a kind of coach, that helps men like us discover Gods mad love, to secure in themselves, learn to navigate the inner emotions of life and discover purpose/mission in life. My prayer for men like us, is that we would be sure of our standing with God, that we would live a stoic life, where we are not needlessly emotional and are ravaged by desire and that we are dependent on no one to fill our emotional, mental and spiritual cups. To be okay with being alone. Simply because you have a severity of CP, that leaves you in need of more personal care. Does not make you less of a man. Let me say that again my friend, you are not less of a man.
God has made you man, my brother, and as such you are a warrior poet. Though your body may not be able to be physically strong. Your mind and soul can be like a mighty fortress. You can learn to armor up and fight off the enemies attacks. God has given you a mind, and a mouth, you may not be able to use your hands very well, but you are smart and as such you can use the tools that you do have. Rather than being caught up in what you don’t. I must preach these truths to myself as well, daily, weekly and even hourly. I write this letter to you to awaken the warrior within you. It’s there. God breathed that inside you. Scripture says that you are more valued than the sparrow, and if they trust that God will feed them, can you? I implore you my dear friend, to throw your being at the heart of God, seek first his kingdom and all other things will be added to you. Life is not over, it’s still beautiful get into the battle my brave friend, brother and warrior.

Why Was I Made This Way? (For His Love)

9 As Jesus passed by, He saw a man who had been blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

I’ve been reading through the book of John once again, and this small text from chapter 9 always jumps out at me. Being born with cerebral palsy, the question always came out of my mouth” why did God make me this way. A step further, and we see that people that don’t even believe in God ask this question as well.

A soft answer to the question from various people is “God made you special” or “you’re this way for a reason”. The second answer, has more explanation to the question. In verse three, Jesus says that it was neither the man who sinned, or his parents. But the man was born blind that that works of glory of God might be displayed through him. Admittedly, in the early stages of my life, this kind of answer would be something that I’d blow off as BS.

However, when my very being understood how much God loved me, even in spite of having cerebral palsy. It was only then that the shame began to melt away from my life. I began to love all the scars on my body from surgeries, I began to love my right hand, which does not have full dexterity.

It truly breaks my heart to see others like myself, wrestle with the same self- hatred that I did for my life. And at times it still pops up in my mind, which is why it is of deep importance to fixate on the love of God daily. The scars that we hate, the hand that we wish were different, are the same scars and hands are the very same ones that God loves so deeply.

Getting to this point, is not an easy venture. It really never ends until we see Christ face to face in eternity. You will stumble, and wrestle with different thoughts and temptations daily. Some days the sun will shine brighter, and sometimes the darkness will seem as though it has sealed any light from coming in.

Once again, if we allow ourselves to go into strict training, in dwelling on Gods mad love for us. We then will understand that his love will hold us through in an all tribulation in life. If you have never thought about Gods love, and much he loves you. I encourage you to do so today, it doesn’t have to be some super religious experience. All you have to do is talk to him, be honest, tell him that you are tired of living as you have been, that you need his forgiveness and grace and make you new again from the inside out.

I promise you that he will do that tenfold for you, he will love you in ways you have never imagined.       

A soft answer to the question from various people is “God made you special” or “you’re this way for a reason”. The second answer, has more explanation to the question. In verse three, Jesus says that it was neither the man who sinned, or his parents. But the man was born blind that that works of glory of God might be displayed through him. Admittedly, in the early stages of my life, this kind of answer would be something that I’d blow off as BS.

However, when my very being understood how much God loved me, even in spite of having cerebral palsy. It was only then that the shame began to melt away from my life. I began to love all the scars on my body from surgeries, I began to love my right hand, which does not have full dexterity.

It truly breaks my heart to see others like myself, wrestle with the same self- hatred that I did for my life. And at times it still pops up in my mind, which is why it is of deep importance to fixate on the love of God daily. The scars that we hate, the hand that we wish were different, are the same scars and hands are the very same ones that God loves so deeply.

Getting to this point, is not an easy venture. It really never ends until we see Christ face to face in eternity. You will stumble, and wrestle with different thoughts and temptations daily. Some days the sun will shine brighter, and sometimes the darkness will seem as though it has sealed any light from coming in.

Once again, if we allow ourselves to go into strict training, in dwelling on Gods mad love for us. We then will understand that his love will hold us through in an all tribulation in life. If you have never thought about Gods love, and much he loves you. I encourage you to do so today, it doesn’t have to be some super religious experience. All you have to do is talk to him, be honest, tell him that you are tired of living as you have been, that you need his forgiveness and grace and make you new again from the inside out.

I promise you that he will do that tenfold for you, he will love you in ways you have never imagined.

      

Why I’ve Pretty Much Given Up

On dating…

No, I’m not becoming one of these bitter men that hate women, though there was a time in my life where I was. I’ve grown tired of the search. Online dating is only leading me to dead ends. Most of the demographic are single moms. I have NOTHING against them, all I am going off of is past experience, and based off that I’d rather not go down that road again. Are they all going to be the same? Surely not, but wisdom says when you keep going down the same road, you get the same results.

I’d say that a good 86% of women in the world of online dating, either already have kids and don’t want to have anymore. Or quite simply don’t want to have kids or cannot have them. Which is a different context. It leaves me though, being thirty six and still living with the desire to have kids of my own some day.

The dating world is quite frustrating, because there’s two categories, category one is all the dating tips that one can get from so called experts on YT. But in reality, almost none of it actual works. Then there’s the second category which simply tells a person to simply be themselves. This also is a load a crap!

You know how many times I’ve tried being myself when dating a woman? Lots, and guess what it fails me every single time. Or so I thought, you see being a genuinely nice guy is great as long long as one is actually authentic about. My problem was, I never had the guts to speak my mind even if it meant rocking the boat.

This took me a while to learn, but I’m extremely thankful for learning the lesson none the less. Another part of me feels as though, that I’m simply not in a healthy position to date currently. It really, really, sucks having cerebral palsy and living in your parents house. Though, that hasn’t always been a problem. It sucks to have as a potential road block, though there are plans to move out. But the state of COVID, that’s taken a back seat.

To add to the equation, I simply don’t make the amount of money that women desire a man to have these days. I make my money through the avenues of personal training, writing and teaching self defense. For some reason that last one always gets me a weird look like “you.. teach martial arts… You making money doing that?” Yes, I do, and why that bring a smile to a woman’s face is beyond me. Knowing that he not only knows how to handle himself, but makes others safer too.. But I rest my case.

One might also suggest that I find someone like myself. Been there done that and I’m fairly certain I’d never do it again. I’ve done long distance before as well, and my heart longs for someone I can see and touch in a close radius. Yet, in all of this, there has been a peace and contentment that I never thought I’d find.

I don’t need a woman to make me happy, to have a sense of mission in life. I don’t need a woman to comfort me either. My faith and walk with God has gotten stronger, I like who I am and where I’m going in life. I do want someone to spend my life with though, however I’m simply not sure how it would workout. As mentioned before though, there’s two kinds of people: One says that you gotta go out there and get what one is looking for. And the other says (and which I find appealing) says that only God can bring you a wife.

The reason that I lean toward the second option, is largely because I’ve been on the pursuit before. And my God does it get exhausting quick. To be very blunt, I’m happy not dealing with drama, being happy with me as a person one moment, and then the next being unsure or completely losing it all together.

Is it even possibly to find someone who is fairly balanced out? I don’t know, what I do know is that I’m probably going to piss a few off with my prior statement. Oh well though. I know everyone has their crap and every relationship has problems, but I’m just tired of experiencing what I have over and over again.

Lastly, my parents tell me to stay single, but that is largely because they have their own pain. And my experience is not their own. I’m not really sure where the road will lead me, but I do know this, I am happy and complete. And where ever God leads I’m open to it.

The Current State of Alpha Males (My Thoughts)

Anyone that has been following my entries for the last few weeks, might notice that I talk about being “Alpha” and reclaiming a sense of manhood. And for me that not only is for myself, but for others like myself that have cerebral palsy or other disabilities. I believe it to be a vital component, that men with cerebral palsy know and understand who they are, that they can be confident and have a deep sense of grounded masculinity. Even if in spite of not being able to accomplish certain “manly tasks” due to certain physical limitations. To be frank, I believe that the church has failed in this way, because they unknowingly focus on the abled-bodied men while sub-consciously passing over those who are disabled.   

I don’t think that Churches do this purposely, but rather they just don’t think about the reality that life just might be different for some other men. Hell, most churches don’t even have distinct ministries for the special needs community. Though, this blog is not to rag on the short comings of the church, but rather to call to attention of the state of “Alpha Men”. To be honest, I’m not really pleased. Most of them seem truly into themselves and only want to put others down. Which isn’t what an alpha male actual does. Why? Because they are secure within themselves that they don’t have to do that. They may firmly disagree with ones take on an issue, but they don’t purposely set out to go put someone else down because it makes them feel better.

Most of the alpha males that I see on the internet, seem to be hell bent on making fun of people that believe in God or subscribe to a religious world view. Which really is no better the new-atheist crusade that emerged several years ago. Again, if claim to be alpha, why seek out to make fun of someone? Why not confidently disagree without being so self-righteous?

Another problem that I have with some alpha males, is the fact that some of them just want short term relationships with women, only to move on to the next. Not me, nope. The most alpha thing a man can do at times is to commit to the right woman. No matter how hard things got. Furthermore, most alpha males are so focused on the physical attraction of a woman, that they put that over the mental-emotional and spiritual aspects of a woman. In my life currently, yes I do want to be with someone I am attracted to. Yet what’s more important for me anyway, is seeing if the woman that I potential want to be with. Is in fact secure in her emotional-mental and spiritual components of her life. Because that will carry over far above anything physical, though I do believe that the physical is an important component as well.

I think there’s room for a new way of A.M. to emerge or at least reforming what an A.M. actually is.. That’ll come in part 2 though!

Change and The Hour Glass

No one likes to come to realization that they need to improve in life, it’s almost like we are being exposed somehow. Or that people can see something about us that we can’t see ourselves. And even though this feeling is not very comfortable. I find that it is all the more important and needed, that we feel that ever intrusive feeling.

For me, I have come to the realization, that I am not always grounded in my masculinity. I notice that sometimes I just let people walk on me, I don’t do the best with being a masculine man and stand up for myself.

Why?

Because I’m afraid to rock the boat, afraid to say what I really think. And as such, I allow to the thoughts, feelings and opinions of others to rule. This needs to change. Realizing that I have areas of my life that need work, it’s a good thing and even a blessing.

There’s no need to be discouraged about having areas in ones life where change is needed, just commit to the process of doing the work every single day. Whatever it is, if its weight loss, do the work. If its gaining muscle, do the work, if its being more confident and assertive- do the work!

It might not happen in the time frame that you or I want it to, but never stop doing the work. It doesn’t matter if you fall on your face in the process. You do a burpee and get back up. Don’t fall for the lies of victimhood or that you have to hurry to get things done.

I think what can tie me up the most, is that I sometimes see my life like an hour glass. All the sand quickly running out. Now, it is true the time is running out on all our lives. But to think that that we have to hurry up and get things done, in the name of “missing out on something” can be a bit of a trap.

Again, yes we should work to get things accomplished but more over. We should realize that this our own journey, and if it takes some of us longer, so what? At least your trying, fighting and succeeding to the best of your ability everyday.