A few years ago I started competing in Brazilian Jiujitsu, even in spite of the challenges with having cerebral palsy. All of my competition has been abled-bodied, okay, not all I have competed against other adaptive grapplers. And I’m not sure which one fits me better.

Regardless,   the point of this entry, is to explain a revelation that has dawned on me. I have competition anxiety. Many, many athletes struggle in this way regardless of what sport they play. They might do well in practice, but they choke under the pressure of competition, they freeze and forget the training that has led to this moment.

Yep, that’s me.

I want to go out on the mats and win, I don’t know anyone that enjoys losing. But the reality is that I have far more losses than I do victories. And that often weighs me down, because when I see so many team mates winning and bringing home medals and then there’s me, the guy that keeps on loosing. Who’s to blame for that? Nobody else but me.

Though I do know another adaptive grappler that has lost  damn near ninety times, and only won one match. That we cripple most (yes, I used the C word) but for this guy, he just kept going out there and competing, loss after loss. Until finally, he scored a W for the win column. This has been my deepest motivation, this is allowing me to have further courage to face my fears.

Fear of defeat yet again, fear of not making my instructors and team mates down… Fear… Fear… Fear. But like I said, that’s why I keep facing this thing. That’s why I let my chest tighten and heart thumb like a dub step song. I know my mind won’t stop racing anytime soon, so why stop competing? God only knows what could happen any given moment. It’s my way of telling the fear and anxiety to @@@@ off, it doesn’t own my life.

Most people wouldn’t have the courage to go out there and loose over and over. I do, for the simple reason that my losses have taught me far more. Don’t get me wrong though, that taste of victory is so amazingly sweet.  But soon, everyone is brought back to the reality of being humbled to their knees. And for me, many lessons have come from there and I’m okay.

Embrace the paralyzing anxiety. Embrace the fear and looping thoughts in your head, they’ll always be there (though probably not as bad) compete anyway, fight anyway. You’ll be better because of it.

Yesterday we took a look at the issue of worry and how we need to fully rely on God (F.R.O.G.) and not on our own strength. As I sought the high king for guidance and wisdom the passage for today, the passage in Luke 10:38-42 came to life in my heart and mind.

Here’s why, as people, especially in our American culture, we are under the assumption that if we are constantly running around like a chicken with its head cut off that we’re being productive and doing something with our lives, which may very well be the case sometimes. As Christians, life can often get in the way more than we would like to admit.

In Luke 10, Martha invites Jesus into her home, and is focused on being a good hostess. One can almost feel and sense the stress, worry and anxiety that is pulsating inside of her, like someone trying to serve everyone and make everyone comfortable at a party. Her sister Mary, though she could be helping Martha, decides to sit at the feet of Jesus.

I can almost see Martha throwing down her kitchen towel in frustration, saying, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” We’ve all felt this way, at least at some point in time. However, I would bet that most of us have never gotten the rebuttal that Jesus gives Martha.

Jesus calls Martha’s name twice. Now, in the Hebrew tradition, when a writer says something more than once, he is trying to get something of great importance across to the audience. In our culture, if a parent said our name more than once, it could very well mean that were in trouble. But you can almost see that while Jesus is stern with Martha, he is speaking with love.

We so often get so wrapped up in our daily cares of life that we forget that the most important daily routine is to sit at the feet of Christ. May we remember to be like Mary and choose the better things.

Self-love is something our society puts such a high price on.

Love yourself before you love anyone else.

Find happiness in yourself

Which is true, to an extent.

But I wonder, if like everything else in life,

things and people fall short of what they were

meant to be and do.

Even with all the self-love in the world,

lies the need for community. Hands upon our shoulders

in tough times, words of affirmation love and assurance.

Yet without the love and affirmation of others, the soul is like a flower that lacked in vitality.

I have always had a strong admiration for navy seals, and all special forces units to be fair. I would always tell my dad, even at the age of thirty-two about my desire to be a navy seal. My dad’s response:

“You’d be one dead seal..”

Thanks pops!

So, what is it about being a navy seal that sticks out to me so much? Is it the weapons? Yes, Is it the diverse ways that they can approach a mission? You bet, but more importantly, they’re the world’s most bad ass dudes on the planet who are so mentally tough.

It’s the mentally tough aspects to them, that I admire so deeply. In life, I want to be able to endure the hardest situations and still have my focus and poise.  Navy seals persevere and find a way to keep going.

Yet the honest to God truth is that I am not as mentally strong as I’d like to be. In fact, I break under the threat of anxiety, depression and negative self-talk.  More often than night I want to quit and let the three obstacles mentioned above have their victory.

But I don’t quit despite what comes my way, I may want to but by Gods grace (unmerited favor) and love I find a way to get back, to find a way to persevere.

And you can too!

Over time, I truly believe that we can become mentally tougher. First, it starts by knowing the threat in front you, who or what you are facing and how they will attack your weaknesses.  If you don’t know who the enemy is and how they will attack you. You have lost already.

Secondly, as cliche as this is, you need to be accountable, you need to have a team of people beside you, behind you and in front of you. Sometimes that can be hard to find, but you can never win a battle on your own. You must learn to trust your team and know that they have your back.

In summary, you can become mentally stronger, as well as all other areas of your life. But it starts with knowing yourself and how you can improve. Then, we find a squad that can help us defeat the enemies in front of us so that we can stand in victory.