The Tug-Of War With CP

Living with cerebral palsy will now be, for me defined as a tug-of- war. What is meant by that, you ask?  On one hand, many times there is a peace inside me in regards to living with it. There isn’t so much the hatred of self that once was there. Having once despised myself and the God that gave my very breath to me. Now in my mid- thirties, most days there is honestly a love for having cerebral palsy. Why? Because this was one of the missions that God gave me, there’s avenues to relate to others like myself and not like myself. There’s avenues to relate to suffering and hardship. There’s avenues to completely blow people’s minds, with what my body can do physically, but also with the intelligence and other gifts that were endowed to me also. That’s most days for me, when I’m happy, content and smiling. And yet, it’s not in me to lie- some moments and days the hatred comes back.

When the ominous thoughts slip in the back door of my mind and say:

Hey! Its us… Those annoying voices in your head!

Were just hear to remind you what a failure you’re.

You got a dramatically late start in life and you suck because of it!

            No this is not me trying to add more drama than there needs to be, this is truly what it feels like on the inside. Yes, I’m 36 and still in my parents’ house, yes there’s plans to move out and be on my own. Thanks to Covid though, that got put on the back burner. But I’d be lying to you if there wasn’t an intense frustration. As though to think, that if maybe if there were a few different choices made, maybe my life would have taken a different direction? I’m not a hundred percent sure.

Within the current context, I’ve managed to author multiple books, become an online personal trainer/nutrition coach and even teach self -defense classes multiple times a week. Am I happy with that? Yes, I’ve even improved a lot with money, but again, there’s that voice inside me that says it’s still not good enough. That, there needs to be more and more and more. One of the biggest desires of my heart, is to meet a lovely woman, get married and have a family of my own. However, that same voice that reminds me that it’s never enough even says to me that no woman  will ever want me because of XY or Z. It sucks to feel that way, it’s like a dagger that resides in my chest. And yet, it’s not as though there is no value in myself or that there is nothing that I have to offer. That’s hugely not true- the reality is, those thoughts still find themselves making space in my life. And maybe it’s like that for you too? The two realities that help me fight on, is that God is in absolute control of my life and nothing happens without his divine say so.

            The other is knowing that there is immense value and worth inside me, regardless of whether or not others see it or not. That’s a powerful truth to know. It means that we don’t have to conduct our lives based solely on how others see or believe about us. That used to be me, and it was a miserable place to be. That also isn’t to say, that we shouldn’t care at all, what people think. We are social creatures, yet we must pick and choose who’s opinion we listen to and who speaks into our lives.  The point is, we need to value ourselves and we need to hold our heads high.

Lastly, each person is on there own path in life and it doesn’t matter who gets where and when. But that we learn, grow and have the courage to embark on where we think we are being led along the way.             

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