My worst nightmare. What it taught me.

Life is pain, hardship, agony, frustration and many other words that we all could insert into the equation. All of the major world religions agree that life is suffering. Yes, it may seem very bleak. But I can assure you, it isn’t. Life is all of those things for me too. I was born at an extremely low birth weight, had brain damage to the center ventricle of my brain and thus was born with a condition called Cerebral Palsy (CP). To add to all of that, I have endured a handful of surgeries, all of which have taken me a year or more to heal and recover from. Oh, and add mental health issues to the list. I’m sure most would shake their heads and think Wow, I don’t know how you do it!
That’s the thing though, apart from divine intervention, I don’t know how I do it either! Being completely honest, there are days where I want to throw in the towel of my life and not continue the fight any longer. I’ve been to the point in my life, where I in fact have tried to take my own life. But what stops me from doing it? Fear of the hereafter. No, I am not here to debate religion or anything of the sort. The other night though, I had the worst night mare that I’ve ever had in my 34 years of life. I dreamt that I had written an email of all things, to my family, saying that I loved them all very much. But I just couldn’t do life anymore. The nightmare then switched to me being alive in a black hole, doing everything I could to get out knowing that I had made the wrong choice.
I jolted out of my sleep, which woke my girlfriend from her sleep. She instantly put her arms around me and I began to sob violently. I knew that in that moment, that suicide is never the answer. I wept bitterly, because of the deep revelation that if I had gone through with it. I would never know what the rest of my life held for me. I clinched my girlfriend tighter and told her how much I loved her, and that no matter how hard life got, that life isn’t something that we should quit at. I strongly believe that it is my mission, to speak hope to you, the reader.
I want you, to maybe for the first time in your life, tap into the dreams that exist inside you. Whatever that may be. It can be a simple as wanting to be a healthier and fitter person. Work towards it, drink more water, say no to sugar and processed foods. It could be starting the company you always wanted to start, but didn’t because you listened more to the fear and doubt that pounds inside your soul. It could even be the desire to be a better person, what are the steps that you are going to take in order to do that? While our hearts still beat, we still have time to sharpen the ax. But it takes time, dedication and discipline. Life is but a vapor, so at the risk of sounding utterly cliché. I implore you to not hide from the pain that you may have inside you, feel it. Embrace it and let it out. Deal with it, give it a voice, because if you don’t, things are going to get way worse. Suffering in silence is something that no one should have to do. Once you let all the pain out, allow the dreams and desires that you have held down to come to the surface and live from that. Live with hope and purpose. Learn to love more deeply, and let go of the things that no longer serve you. Let go of anger, regret, let go of self- hatred, let go of the endless cycle of doubt that keeps you from moving forward to the person that you see yourself becoming. Rather, allow compassion, self-love and forgiveness to enter your life. Allow a new journey to unfold in your life, discover things about yourself you never knew. Find strength and wisdom you never knew you had, allow empathy and understanding to take place in your life, allow yourself, the opportunity to armor up against the lies your mind tells you every day. And allow yourself the time to develop good boundaries with people who might have your best interest in mind.
No, none of this easy, in fact much of this is very difficult, but life is such a beautiful blessing. One that is to short not to pour out all we are every single day. Speak your pain into reality, heal and recover, but then go fourth forging a new fire and zeal for your life. You owe it to yourself and others to do so!

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