I feel so tired emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The past week or so I have felt such great negative energy around me, it leaves me drained, in one sense it leaves me wanting to be the Lord and in another sense, it leaves me feeling like I should consider going into hiding somewhere.
Much time has been spent in prayer and reading of scripture, yet there has been a nagging sense that I need to do more. Do in the sense that I need to do X, Y, and Z in order for God to love me.
Now I know deep down that this is not truth, it is not grace. It is slavery and my best efforts as a human being are like toilet paper after you have wiped your butt. The past weeks I have not felt that I have God’s unmerited favor, which is what grace is. Instead, I feel like I have to earn God’s approval, his peace, his justification and so on.
I know all the language, the do’s and dont’s, I know how to put on the church face. I know how to do it all. And to be honest, I’m sick of it all. I just want Jesus. But even with a statement like that, it’s bound to get some backlash. “You can’t just have Jesus Brandon, you need A, B, and C too!”
It’s all so frustrating, I never feel like I am good enough as a Christian these days. And in a lot of ways, I’m not, and won’t until Christ returns. I know I have to pursue holiness while in this body. I’m trying, and sometimes it seems like Christians can add more bricks than needed.
I’m tired, worn out and tired of feeling like I’m losing Gods amazing grace.
brandonleeryan 